


Squid Pro Quo

by wyntereyez



Series: Squid Pro Quo [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Animal Transformation, F/M, Gen, Humor, Lycanthropes, hope is a brunette, season 7 positive, slightly cracky, were-crocodile, were-everything, were-squid, wish hook is friends with emma and killian
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-02-12 16:10:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21479167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyntereyez/pseuds/wyntereyez
Summary: It started off harmlessly enough - one moment, Killian Jones had been his devilishly handsome self, and the next, he was a squid. And his Wish counterpart was a crocodile.  Okay.  Cool.  Just another day at the office, right?But then the animal transformations continue, becoming more frequent and more dangerous.  The United Realms is under attack, and Emma's allies are slowly falling victim.  Will she be able to stand against an unknown foe, with only a squid and a crocodile at her side?
Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan
Series: Squid Pro Quo [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1603033
Comments: 10
Kudos: 31





	1. You have got to be squidding me!

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a random comment, in which I wondered what kind of plot could result in Killian Jones become a were-squid, and Wish Killian Jones a were-crocodile. Then there was art. Then a couple of pointless drabbles, which make up this chapter, before I hit upon an actual plot. If the writing seems a little odd, it’s because I was writing this in small chunks and posting it to Tumblr. This chapter consists of the first six parts stitched into one semi-coherent whole. 
> 
> To differentiate between the Killians, I refer to Storybrooke Killian as Killian, and Wish Hook is Jones.
> 
> Warning: This fic won’t be to everyone’s tastes. It’s season seven friendly; Wish Hook and Alice are treated like family, and Hope has her daddy’s dark hair. If any of this offends you, back out now. If you decide to read anyway for the purpose of leaving nasty comments, I’ll respond with a song. Not just a line or two; I’ll randomly select a song from my playlist and copy and paste the lyrics of the entire song as my only response. My playlist is composed mostly of ‘80’s music. Do NOT make me use “Africa” as a weapon against hate.

Banner courtesy of @hollyethecurious

One - You have got to be squidding me!

Emma had been expecting the call, honestly. It was her day off - the first day off she’d had in months that wasn’t maternity leave or a sick day, and she’d been looking forward to spending the uninterrupted time with Hope. But Emma Swan didn’t get days off, so she’d kept her phone close at hand (despite a strong desire to turn it off and chuck it into the ocean, because nothing was more important than tummy time.)

But somehow, they’d made it through tummy time, story time, and nap time, and Emma was just starting to think that maybe, just this once, she could have an actual day off that didn’t end in an emergency.

Of course her phone had rung barely a minute later. And Murphy’s Law had more than outdone itself with _this_ crisis…

Emma stared at the chaos that had previously been her nice, clean (well, clean-ISH) office, which was now strewn with broken furniture and scattered papers, some of which were still fluttering to the floor. At the center of the destruction, a massive crocodile and a freaking SQUID were frozen mid-battle, wearing matching sheepish expressions (if a crocodile and a squid could be said to be sheepish. Or have expressions, for that matter.)

Emma whirled on David. "What the hell? I...what... what the HELL?!"

David's expression, at least, could be positively identified as sheepish. "It was some magic artifact in the evidence locker. They were putting something away, and next thing I know..." David gestured at the two creatures, who were now pulling away from each other. The crocodile spat out a tentacle it had been biting.

Emma closed her eyes and swiped at her forehead. "And which one is my husband?"

The squid held up a tentacle. "Of course you're the squid," Emma sighed. "Okay, let's get you both to Regina and see if she can fix you. Animal transformation has to be pretty simple, right?" Emma tugged at a tentacle. Killian didn't budge.

"Actually, this is weird even for us," David said, eying the crocodile's jaws.

"You're not helping," Emma said, and gave Killian another tug. He lost his balance and toppled over, nearly smashing Emma in the process. "You couldn't turn into something with LEGS, could you?"

Killian just stared up at her, unblinking. That was creepy. Then he started flopping around, attempting to get back upright and failing miserably. His tentacles knocked into a bookshelf, send books and knick-knacks crashing to the floor.

"You're cleaning this up as soon as you have a skeleton," Emma said.

"And you," Emma turned to the crocodile, who was attempting to slink away. "You're coming with us, Jones. You're supposed to be the responsible one; this mess is your fault, too."

Jones sighed deeply, then waddled up to her.

"I'll see if I can figure out what they touched, and then join you at Regina's," David said, eying the mess.

With a wave of her hand, Emma transported them to Regina's castle.

***  
As queen of the United Realms, Regina regularly held a banquet for the rulers of the various kingdoms. Usually on a Saturday night, because many of the leaders worked 9-5 jobs. As Princess of Misthaven, Emma had attended a few such dinners, and thus should have realized Regina was currently presiding over the main course of an elaborate meal that spanned the massive table in the dining hall.

The guests weren't prepared for Emma to appear on top of the table with a massive crocodile and squid whose tentacles flailed madly in an effort to keep from rolling off the table.

Oops.

"What the hell?" Regina shrieked as a bowl of gelatinous... something splattered across her pristine silver dress and décolletage.

"Uh...hi!" Emma said brightly, as half a dozen royals gaped up at her. It looked like most of Regina's guests were the heads of the maritime kingdoms tonight, and the majority of the courses were seafood. Killian had come to rest on a platter of calamari. Jones had landed with his heavy tail and one leg hanging off the table, and was scrabbling for purchase to pull himself up. "I'm so glad you could all make it tonight!"

Ariel, seated next to Eric, gave a soft exclamation of delight and extended her fork towards Killian. Killian slapped the fork out of her hand, and for good measure, swiped all other silverware within reach off the table. He then snatched a piece of calamari in a tentacle and shoved it in his beak. Jones, having gained the tabletop, was nosing some sort of fish-shaped pastries. A rather bemused Tiana selected one and offered it to him.

"I hope you have a good explanation for this," Regina said. "This was Atlantean caviar." She gestured at her splattered bosom.

Emma had no idea what made Atlantean caviar more special than regular caviar, but apparently its destruction was a grievous offense. Also, yuck. That wasn’t something Emma would want in her bra.

"I do, actually. I believe you know my husband - Killian, stop eating the calamari! Don't you know that's SQUID?! - and my head detective." Said detective was now leaning into Tiana's head skritches. Emma admired a woman who could fearlessly pet a crocodile as though it were a dog. Ariel had recovered her fork, and was stealthily moving on Killian.

Regina blinked slowly. "Good enough. Dinner is over, thank you for coming, it was lovely to talk to you all and I'll take everything you said into consideration." A man with long dark hair and a beard looked about to raise an objection, so Regina waved her hand and they all vanished. Jones grunted as he nearly fell over now that he was leaning in to nothing.

"...was that Aquaman?!" Emma demanded.

"Wrong universe, unfortunately. That was Namor. Nowhere near as interesting, and a lot more demanding. Now, WHY are the Hooks on my table looking like something that should have been on tonight's dinner menu?!"

"That's what we need your help with - Oh my God, Killian! Do you realize that's cannibalism?!"

******

"I have good news and bad news," Regina announced, startling Emma, who'd been perched on a chair she’d pulled up to one of the kiddie pools that had been conjured up to hold the transformed Killians.

Emma would have toppled in, but Killian deftly caught her with a tentacle. Not that a dunking in the pool would make her less wet than she already was.

David had arrived half an hour previously with the amulet responsible for the transformation, and Regina had gone off to her workshop. Emma had offered to help, but when Killian had started thrashing in protest and broken several elegant dishes that Regina claimed were expensive (but in reality had probably been magically created), Regina had conjured up the pools, then ordered Emma to stay here and watch them.

So Emma had watched her husband burbling happily in the shallow water, while Jones floated atop the surface of his own pool, fast asleep.

Until Killian had started to splash him. She and David had spent the last fifteen minutes trying to break up the epic water battle that soaked a beautiful rug, a tapestry, and herself and David.

Killian only started to settle when Emma stroked a tentacle, all the while glaring at David, who was finishing off the calamari with pointed looks at Killian. She decided not to tell him Killian had been sitting on the platter.

David had just finished the last piece when Regina made her pronouncement.

Everyone jerked to attention. Well, Emma was jerked, by a tentacle Killian still didn't have proper control over yet.

"The good news is, it's a form of lycanthropy, so at some point, they'll return to human form. I don't know when; I have no idea what the trigger is, but it's obviously not the moon since it's still daylight outside."

"If that's the good news, what's the BAD news?" Emma demanded.

Regina hesitated, and when she finally spoke, her voice was sympathetic. "There's no cure for lycanthropy. Eventually they'll age out of it, like Granny, but until then, they're werecreatures. And it WILL pass to any children."

Emma stood silent, absorbing Regina’s words. While she and Killian currently had no plans for more children, that could change as Hope got older. Emma didn’t want to inflict an inconvenient (albeit hilarious) curse on any future biological children.

Regina waited until Emma was ready to continue. “Did you find out anything about what caused this?” she asked, her tone carefully neutral.

“That amulet David brought in had a trap spell, set to trigger when BOTH of the Hooks touched it. This wasn’t an accident. I’ll keep working on it, see if I can track the magic to its wielder, but I don’t know how long that will take.”

Emma sighed, turning to where her husband was slowly creeping a tentacle up behind Jones. “Killian, BEHAVE,” Emma snapped. Killian quickly withdrew the tentacle. “I’m taking them both home with me tonight. Somebody did this for a reason, and at least they’ll be safe behind my magical warding. Dad, can you and Mom watch Hope tonight?”

David nodded eagerly; he was always eager to watch his four month old granddaughter. It would probably be easier than watching these two.

She was probably going to be up all night trying to keep them from destroying her house.

This was supposed to be her day off…“Ugh, I’ll never be able to take one of those again,” she mumbled.

“What was that?” Regina asked.

“A day off. Every time I try to take one, things happen.”

“That’s not true…” Regina began uncertainly.

“While I was on maternity leave, you brought twelve whole realms to Storybrooke. You might be queen, but I have to keep them all in line. Which will be even more fun now that half my staff belong in an aquarium.”

“Fair point,” Regina conceded. “I’m going to get to work on the amulet.” With a swirl of purple smoke, she vanished.

Emma looked over at David, whose face was pinched in thought. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Just thinking about what Regina said, and about any future grandsquids.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when…grandSQUIDS? Really, Dad?”. With an exasperated flick of her hand, Emma transported herself and the Killians home.

***

With some trepidation, Emma conjures up a large pool for the backyard. She doesn’t want them inside until she can waterproof the house, but leaving them together unsupervised is asking for trouble.

Emma heads inside to make a quick dinner. At least in the kitchen, she can keep an eye on her menagerie through the window.

And sure enough, there’s trouble almost as soon as she entered the house. Jones seemed content to nap, but Killian wouldn’t allow it, and kept trying to pull his poolmate beneath the surface. With a sigh, Emma magicked a set of water wings onto Jones’ stubby legs. The crocodile started at their sudden appearance and splashed around a moment, then abruptly decided he’d rather sleep.

And then Killian figured out a new game: He was still pulling Jones down, but this time releasing him and watching him float helplessly to the surface.

Seriously? Why were squids DICKS?

Bright pink water wings appeared on all of Killian’s tentacles, and his body immediately sank down without them in the water to help support his position.

Even under water, with an expressionless squid face, Emma can see his pout.

******

Emma had actually thought about what would happen if Killian was bitten by a lycanthrope. She’d been invited to a girls’ night out that had included Ruby, who’d been home for a visit. They’d all gotten more than a little drunk, and Ashley had asked Dorothy what it was like to be with a werewolf. They’d been shocked by Ashley’s boldness, but not enough to assure Dorothy she didn’t have to share.

It had sounded…wild. And Emma may have spent the rest of that night building a fantasy about Killian being bitten and becoming a savage, wanton creature.

So what if he became hairier than normal when the moon was full? She liked him hairy. So what if he became a beast? He was already half-feral, and they had a dungeon conveniently located under the house for when he became uncontrollable. Her furry, sexy, dangerous husband would become slightly more furry, sexy, and dangerous. In her alcohol-fueled imaginings, it had been amazing.

Emma’s memory of the night was a little foggy, but she may have even asked Ruby to bite Killian.

Drunk Emma didn’t think things through. Fortunately, Drunk Ruby was smarter than that.

And now it had actually happened: Killian was a lycanthrope, and it was nothing like Emma had fantasized about. He couldn’t get around on his own (not on land, anyway), couldn’t even stay upright without difficulty… And Emma wasn’t even going to think about _other_ activities. (Though Emma might have started typing ‘squid mating habits’ into Google, before stopping herself because she really didn’t want to go there. Yet.)

And then there was the matter of children. Emma squeezed her eyes shut and leaned back against the kitchen counter for support. With Hope so young, Emma didn’t really want to think about future children. But it could happen, whether by accident or design. Could they inflict such a curse on a child? And how would Hope feel about having a daddy that wasn’t always human?

It was too much to think about right now. Especially alone. Better to tackle this when Killian was human again.

Emma pushed herself off the counter and set to work trying to figure out how she was going to feed her menagerie.

***

Emma let them inside after about an hour of horseplay (squidplay?) She’d moved anything of value out of the living room, then put down tarp to protect the hardwood floors. She felt a little guilty that the pool she conjured wasn’t as big as the outdoor one, but the space had its limits.

Fortunately, they seemed exhausted when Emma went outside to alert them of the move, and once indoors, Killian sank into the little pool, letting his tentacles sprawl everywhere. Jones surprised her by stepping out of the pool and climbing onto the couch, sprawling out blissfully along its length.

“I called Alice to tell her what’s going on. She’ll be over tomorrow to see you, if you’re still stuck like this.”

Jones gave her a small nod in thanks.

Emma turned on the TV for them, leaving it on HGTV. Exposing Killian to the channel had lead to the massive DIY project that was Hope’s nursery, and Killian had done a breathtaking job on it. Also, watching the Property Brothers was how Emma had come to realize the two Killians were developing a sort of twin relationship.

Emma checked on the selection of meats she’d pulled from the freezer and set to magically thaw, then grabbed her phone and went back in to the living room to take a seat on the recliner next to the pool. Killian tentatively rested a tentacle on the armrest, and Emma absently stroked it as she prepared to FaceTime her parents - and Hope, because it turned out she was That Mom, who needed to coo over her ridiculously adorable baby when they were apart.

“Hey, Mom,” she said when Snow answered. “I’ll answer all your questions tomorrow; I just wanted to say goodnight to Hope.”

“Can I at least see what he looks like?” Snow pleaded. “I’ve been dying to know since David told me.”

Emma rolled her eyes, and turned to phone to Killian, who somehow conveyed his disgruntlement despite lacking expressions. “Oh, wow…he really is a squid, isn’t he?”

“Yup.”

“Shouldn’t he be in a tank or something? Or the ocean? How is he even breathing?”

“I have no idea, but he seems to be okay.” Which was a huge relief. “Just a little more obnoxious than usual.” Killian slapped the surface of the pool in protest, splashing her and the phone in the process. “See? Okay, now will you put Hope on?”

Her mom laughed and there was a disorienting moment as Snow angled the camera to center on her daughter, who was wide awake and staring at the phone with one of those skeptical eyebrows she’d inherited from her father.

Killian shifted closer, trying to get a look at their daughter.

“Hey, Hope!” Emma cooed. The baby had no idea where her mother’s voice was coming from, but she recognized it and gave a wide, gummy smile. Killian wiggled a tentacle at the phone, even though Hope couldn’t see it. “Daddy says hi!”

She babbled at Hope for a few minutes, admiring her gorgeous, non-squiddy child all the while. She had her father’s ears, and the blond hair she’d had at birth had fallen out and her new hair was growing out dark. Killian thought her face looked like Emma‘s, and Emma thought she had a smirk that was pure Killian.

Emma reached for Killian, and he twined a tentacle around her hand in response.

They could probably have kept it up all night, but Emma was interrupted by a text from Regina to call her ASAP. Emma met her husband’s gigantic eye in puzzlement. “I wonder what she wants?”

With great reluctance, Emma ended her call with Hope, who was starting to get fussy, anyway. Judging from the way Snow was crinkling her nose, Hope was in dire need of a diaper change, and that it was one of her Big Stinkies.

It was Killian’s job to take care of those. She wondered if tentacles were dexterous enough to change diapers, because Emma wasn’t going to let him out of that duty just because he didn’t have fingers.

Emma called Regina. “What did you find out?” she demanded as soon as Regina answered the phone.

“Nothing on who did this or why,” Regina said. “The magical signature is proving difficult to untangle from the amulet’s magic; I’ve asked Zelena for her assistance.”

Well, that wasn’t promising; the sisters may have buried the hatchet, but they still had issues working together. If Regina had resorted to call Zelena for help, then the situation was a lot more complicated than they’d thought.

“So… your news is that there is no news? You interrupted valuable cooing at Hope time for this?” Emma scowled.

“There is some news, though it doesn’t really help anything. The spell didn’t work correctly. Think about it; what makes werewolves so monstrous, besides the transformation?”

Emma considered for a moment. “They’re predators,” she realized. “Ruby said she had to use her cloak for control, until she learned to manage the wolf.”

“Exactly! They should be trying to kill each other and anyone who crosses their path.”

Suddenly, all amusement Emma had from the situation was gone. The spell hadn‘t been a harmless prank - someone had wanted people to die. “So whatever was supposed to trigger the aggression failed.” Emma suddenly wondered if that was why Killian was a little shit - it was very, very mild lycanthropic aggression.

“Whoever did this meant for maximum damage,” Regina said. “If part of the spell hadn’t been a dud…”

“Yeah,” Emma said quietly. “Thanks for letting me know.”

They said their goodbyes and Emma disconnected.

Numbly, she went back into the living room, where the TV was now turned to a show about muscle cars, and Jones was watching intently. How the hell had he changed the channel?!

Whatever; Emma went in to the kitchen to check on the now-thawed meats. Satisfied, she gathered it all up in a basket and brought it out. Realizing she had food, Jones slid off the couch and waddled forward, opening his jaws hopefully. Killian lifted a tentacle and snaked it towards the basket.

Some aggressive predators they were, begging to be fed like hungry chicks…

She alternated between them, tossing them hunks of beef and fish. It was…weirdly satisfying, honestly. It satisfied her inner child, the one who had wanted to become a zookeeper after her only childhood visit to the zoo with one of her few decent foster families.

After, they fell asleep curled up together in the kiddie pool. Emma fell asleep on the couch.

An unknown amount of time later, Emma woke to a cold, wet hand brushing her cheek, and a soft, “Swan…”


	2. Got your goat

Two - Got your goat

Even though it was unholy o'clock in the morning, Emma sat wide awake at the kitchen table with both Killian and Jones, who was also now human-shaped.

Killian had his hand wrapped around a mug of coffee, trying to soak up the heat. Even though he'd returned to human form fully clad, he had a chill in his newly-returned bones he couldn't seem to shake.

Jones was faring somewhat better, but every once in a while, he'd be overcome with a full body shudder. Emma had wrapped them both in blankets, and had a couple more running through the dryer to heat up.

"I can't think of anyone who'd have it out for both of us," Jones said. "Killian and I have only been in the same realm together for a few months, and we haven't done anything anyone would want revenge for."

"Perhaps someone one of us has wronged who isn't certain which of us is responsible?" Killian mused, then scowled. "Which would make it a rather large suspect pool."

"What about the amulet? Dad said you both reached for it." Emma took a sip of her hot chocolate. "According to the paperwork he managed to find - which reminds me, you two are cleaning and refiling EVERYTHING tomorrow - that necklace has been in the evidence lock-up for at least a month, so why did you suddenly find it fascinating today?"

Killian's brow furrowed. "I don't know...it looked familiar, but I couldn't place it. So I called him over to see if he recognized it."

"I had the same impression as well, when I saw it," Jones said. "Which is peculiar, because I'm the one who logged it in, and I didn't have that feeling at the time."

"The magic wasn't active yet," Emma concluded. "Do you remember where it came from?" That part of the paperwork was still in the heap on her office floor.

"A disturbance; someone reported a prowler at the cannery, and when I investigated, that's all I found." Jones grimaced. "I never figured out why anyone would break in to the cannery; nothing was stolen, and really, there's nothing to steal."

"A set up - whoever it was wanted it to be in the right place at the right time." Emma pursed her lips thoughtfully. "But why now? Could it be the anniversary of something one of you have done?"

"Nothing I can recall - but we didn't use the same calendar system in our realm," Killian said. "I'll give it some thought." Jones nodded in agreement.

"Meanwhile, maybe we should try to get some sleep," Emma said. "The guest room is made up if you want to stay the night," she told Jones. "And tomorrow - well, later today - I'll call Granny. She might be able to help you both with the lycanthropy."

With that, they all went to bed and had a few uneventfulful hours of sleep.

They would be some of the last peaceful moments they'd have for a while.

***

The next morning was idyllic after the chaos of the previous day. The three of them worked together to make omelets, with Killian and Jones teasing and one-upping each other like brothers. Emma liked watching them together; Killian needed more family.

Both of them did.

Killian was currently teasing Jones about the weight of the cast iron skillet; he hadn’t expected it to be so heavy and had nearly dropped it. Killian had promptly taken it from him, saying an old man like him had better leave the heavy lifting to the young.

“Old man?” Jones huffed indignantly. “As I recall, this old man took you down with no difficulty.”

Killian pouted. “You caught me by surprise. Had it been a fair fight -”

“Which is why I went with the surprise attack. Besides, we’re pirates. When do we fight fair?” Jones shot back.

“Fair point.”

Emma hid a grin.

“What was it like?” Emma asked when they’d all taken a seat with their heaping plates. Emma wondered if lycanthropy made someone hungrier than normal. “Do you remember?”

Jones shrugged. “Aside from having to get used to walking around on three legs, it was much like being old - I waddled around and slept a lot.”

Killian huffed. “At least you had legs. It’s not easy being a boneless heap out of water.” He paused. “I did like having more limbs, though.”

They finished eating, and Emma announced, “As soon as we clean up here, you two have some filing to do.”

There was a loud popping sound, and Killian and Jones were suddenly in their animal forms. Killian gave her a helpless look as he rolled off his chair, and Jones gave her an apologetic look as he slid to the floor.

“You did that on purpose,” Emma growled.

They were spared Emma’s ire by the sound of her phone going off. She cast them one last irritated glance before answering.

Before she could say anything, a scream followed by a loud crash carried over the speaker. “You’d better get down to the diner, Sheriff,” came Granny’s urgent voice. Another yell, and a noise that sounded familiar, though Emma couldn’t immediately place it. “And bring back-up!” The connection abruptly cut off.

“Shit!” Emma texted her father, but this was his day off and he was normally out doing farm chores at this time, and usually didn’t have his phone on him. She texted her mom as well, telling her to alert David.

Then she turned to the rest of her force, who were currently wrestling on the kitchen floor.

“Okay, I need you to stop acting like a bunch of animals and help me.” They abruptly stopped and gazed up at her expectantly. “Something I happening at Granny’s, and you’re my only back-up. Think you can handle it?”

Jones nodded, and Killian gave her a salute. Good enough. She had no idea what they were facing, or what good a squid could do, but maybe they would scare whatever was causing trouble. 

“Good. One last thing so everyone knows you’re with me.” She waved her hand, and suddenly they were both in navy police vests with visible badges. Killian’s was on his head above his eyes. That done, Emma transported them to Granny’s, where the breakfast crowd was being attacked by…

Goats?

Everyone froze at the sudden appearance of a crocodile and a squid in their midst, even the small goats that were surrounding the customers.

Killian helpfully pointed at his police vest.

Then the screaming began in earnest, and half of the customers had escaped through the doors before the goats came to their senses and ran full tilt at the remaining customers.

Emma loosed a blast of magic, which knocked the goats momentarily off balance, allowing more customers to escape. Jones put himself between the goats and the customers.

One particularly bold black goat had hopped on the counter and was advancing on Granny, who had her crossbow but seemed oddly reluctant to use it. “Don’t you dare, Leroy,” Granny snarled, as the goat lowered its horns menacingly. “I will use this if you force me to.”

Leroy? With growing dread, Emma counted the goats: six of them, the same number of dwarves still in Storybrooke.

The other five had regained their feet and, realizing there was no one else in the diner, began to advance on Emma and Granny. Emma tried to target them with her magic, but they’d learned from her previous attack and darted randomly over, under, and around the tables with that reckless grace only goats seemed to have.

“Dammit, Leroy!” Granny shouted behind her. She heard the scramble of hooves and the clatter of dishes that went flying as the black goat charged.

That moment of distraction was enough for two of the goats to spring for Emma - but a pair of tentacles snatched them out of the air, and they bleated in shock. A third had its hind legs yanked out under it from a tentacle it hadn’t see coming.

That left two more hidden behind overturned tables, and Leroy, who Granny had caught by the horns and was struggling to twist his head to force him down.

She didn’t see the goat creeping up behind her, but before Emma could fire off another magic burst, there was a blur of scales as Jones charged past and seized it in his jaws.

Holy shit…crocodiles were FAST!

“You okay, Granny?” Emma asked, as she cautiously approached an upset table behind which Emma could hear the last goat shuffling around.

“Got ‘im,” Granny said, following this with what sounded like a rather impressive body slam.

Emma peered around the table. Nothing… Where -?

The final goat slammed into her back and set her sprawling. It had circled the table to keep it between them, and caught her unaware. She felt its hot breath on the back of her neck and realized it wanted to bite her.

They were lycanthropes - AGGRESSIVE lycanthropes and one bite would mean - “Oh, hell no, you are not turning me into a goat!”. Emma rolled, knocking the goat off balance, and into range of Killian’s tentacles. He immediately seized it and pulled it close to give it a fierce glare.

“Now that that’s over, I have one question, Sheriff,” Granny said casually.

“Yeah?”

“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!”

***

“Someone is creating lycanthropes,” Granny repeated as she finished hog-tying a disgruntled Leroy, then proceeded to wrap the rope around his muzzle. He glared the entire time. “Well that’s just great.”

“Yeah. Did the dwarves say or do anything before they changed?”

Granny fearlessly approached Jones and grabbed the neck of the goat-dwarf he still held. Emma had offered to help, but Granny had forbidden it as soon as she’d learned they were lycanthropes. She proceeded to tie this one up as she thought. “They were all looking at something Happy brought in just before they transformed.”

“Did you see what it was or where it went?”

Killian rammed the heads of two goats together. Emma thought about scolding him, but figured they deserved it. Maybe it would knock some sense into them.

“Looked like some sort of necklace. Didn’t really get a good look, because Leroy ATE it.”

Emma groaned.

“Oh, you’ll get it soon enough. Hopefully it’ll cause Leroy some difficulties in the process.” Granny shot him a baleful look. 

“Ah… he’ll have to get it to Regina.” No way was Emma touching that bit of evidence.

“Good job,” Granny told Jones when she’d finished tying up his goat. “I’ve got a nice bearclaw saved for you,” she cooed. “Would you like it now?”

Emma gaped. “You haven’t had bearclaws for months!”

Granny shrugged. “He’s been buying them first.” She went behind the counter to grab the baked good and enough rope for the rest of the goats.

She had an alarming amount of rope.

“Here you go, cutie.” She tossed the bearclaw to Jones, and he caught it eagerly. “If only you were a few decades older,” she said wistfully. Emma scowled; she’d been denied her one indulgence because Granny apparently had a crush.

“I’m going to call Red,” Granny said, as Killian laid out a third goat for her. This one was either unconscious or just Sleepy. “You’re going to need help from someone who won’t have to worry about being bitten.”

“That would be great, thanks.” Because Emma had the feeling this was only the beginning, and she’d need all the help she could get.

Emma was just texting Regina the news when Granny, working on the fifth goat, stiffened. “This one has blood on his muzzle.”

Which meant one of the customers had been bitten. They had a rogue lycanthrope on the loose, with no idea who it was or how their shift would be triggered…

***

Emma immediately called the hospital, asking them about patients with any unusual bites. She got a negative response, but the nurse on duty promised to keep an eye out.

Granny, who had been disgustedly surveying the mess, said, “I have an idea. I know who all my customers were this morning, and yes, I’ll give you a list. I’m going to have to close the rest of the day until six someones clean this up -” She gave the goats the stinkeye.

“Good luck - these two got out of cleaning my office by transforming. There’s only so long I’ll accept the lack of hands as an excuse.” Emma frowned at Killian, who was guarding over the goats, who’d been piled into a heap. He kept stacking them, then toppling them over.

“Anyway, since I’ve got nothing better to do, how about I come with you. I assume you want to call everyone in for statements, right?” Emma nodded. “I can make some calls, and see if anyone smells goaty.”

“Thank you,” Emma said. “That will be a huge help.”

David chose that moment to arrive. “What happened here?” he asked, staring at the wreckage.

“Were-goats,” Emma said.

“Were-GOATS?” David repeated.

“Were-goats,” Granny confirmed.

“Huh,” David said.

“They’re the dwarves,” Emma explained.

“Huh,” David said again. Then, “What are you going to do with them?”

Emma hadn’t really thought about that. “Lock them in a cell, I guess. She briefly considered sending them to David’s farm, but doubted the barn could hold them if they were really determined. She listened to their angry bleating, and sighed. "They’re going to drive me crazy.”

David walked over to them. “You know, Snow is going to be Very Disappointed in you.”

As one, the goats all ceased their bleating and struggling, and stared up at David with wide-eyed horror. 

“Seriously? That’s all it takes?” 

“You’ve never seen your mother when she’s Very Disappointed, have you?” David asked with a shudder.

***

Emma wasn’t the best at transporting so many people (and animals) at once, so David and Granny loaded the goats in his pickup and drove to the station. Emma decided to walk and give any possible witnesses the chance to speak to her. Jones could keep up pretty well, but for Killian, she created a globe of water that worked like a giant hamster ball.

He’d spun around wildly at first until he managed to orient himself. Once he got the hang if it, however, he circled the diner in delight before taking his place at her side and offering his tentacle. She took it in her hand, and together, the three of them headed to the station.

***

No one came up to Emma during her walk (quite the opposite, actually - they had dragons that regularly flew over Storybrooke, so why was everyone afraid of a squid and a crocodile?!) There were, however, seven customers from the diner waiting inside the station. David and Granny were still loading goats into a cell, so that left Emma to question them.

Granny did catch Emma’s eye at one point and shook her head - none of these were the bite victim.

Emma summoned up another kiddie pool for the office so Killian and Jones would be comfortable. They drew a lot of odd looks, but no one questioned Emma when she explained they were the Killians. Either the goat attack had made them more accepting, or they just assumed the Killians had always been like this.

In this town, you couldn’t tell.

The customers didn’t have much to offer. Their stories were basically the same: one moment, they dwarves had been exclaiming over something, and the next, they were crazed goats.

One woman thought she heard Happy say he’d found the necklace in the mines and had forgotten about it until that morning.

Emma thanked them all and sent them off with a warning to avoid any strange bits of jewelry. Because she was certain there were more transformative amulets out there.

Killian and Jones watched, seemingly placid, though she could sense they were both listening.

Granny had drawn up the list while Emma was questioning everyone, and she and David had begun calling people in.

There were four people who didn’t answer their phones. Everyone else came in and was confirmed human by Granny.

It was lunch time by the time they finished questioning everyone who came in. Emma was already exhausted, and was wondering where the hell she was going to eat with Granny’s being out of commission, when Snow came in with a bag of food and Hope.

Hope squealed when she saw her mother, and Emma took her daughter and gave her a desperate hug. “Ooh, I missed you, baby,” she murmured into Hope’s fine hair.

Snow froze when she saw Killian and Jones. “Oh, wow… I wasn’t expecting them to be so…big,” she said weakly.

“Yeah, but they’re gentle. Unlike some dwarves I can name.”

“Which is why I’m here,” Snow said. “David said I’m supposed to talk to them.” She put on her sternest look. 

Killian reached for Hope. Emma transferred the baby to his tentacles, and he pulled her close. “Go get ‘em, Mom. They’re in the cells.”

Emma didn’t watch Snow stalk off, too interested in her daughter’s reaction to Killian. Hope stared with wide eyes, then turned to Emma uncertainly. “That’s your Daddy,” she said.

Hope turned back to Killian. Killian delicately booped her nose, and that was enough to start Hope laughing. Emma watched as Killian slapped the surface of the water, and Hope immediately followed suit, delighted by the splashing.

Emma’s shoulders sagged in relief. At least Hope wasn’t going to be afraid of Killian in his squid form. They could live with this.

***

Emma was making plans to visit the remaining four customers with Granny when Alice and Robin arrived.

Jones had been floating next to Killian, patiently allowing him to bounce Hope off his back (Hope had recently developed a love for her Johnny Jump Up, and would flex her knees and “jump” whenever anyone stood her upright), but he clambered out of the pool at the sight of his daughter. 

Robin held back, clearly a little intimidated, but Alice lunged forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Now what have you gotten yourself into?” she asked with fond exasperation.

Emma smiled and went back to planning who to visit first. When she turned to check on them again, Alice had Hope (she loved her little ‘cousin’, and Hope always seemed happy to see her) and they were discussing where Jones would spend the night.

“Because you can’t stay at you apartment,” Alice said. “How would you open marmalade jars with those claws?” Then she frowned. “But our place is on the fifth floor, and we don’t really have room for a pool…”

“We don’t mind having him as a guest,” Emma said. “And I’ve already got a pool set up for them at home.”

“Probably for the best,” Granny murmured. “Those two” she nodded towards the Killians, “have a pack bond now.”

“A pack bond?”

Granny nodded. “Closer than brothers. They’ll want to stay together in their animal forms. Never thought any lycanthropes besides wolves formed that sort of bond, but I’m not surprised, with those two.”

Alice and Robin didn’t stay long. Before they left, Emma warned them to keep an eye out for any unusual jewelry, and if they found anything, to call her immediately. She showed them the photo she’d taken of the amulet that had changed the Killians. “So you think there’s going to be more,” Robin said quietly.

Emma nodded. “Yeah. Keep your eyes and ears open for strange animals as well. There could be transformations we aren’t aware of.”

“Oh!” Alice said. “Like the goose in the park!”

Emma blinked slowly. “Goose?”

“It chased me yesterday when I went to visit the rabbits.”

“Don’t geese usually do that?” Emma really didn’t want to contemplate a were-goose.

“Yes…but they don’t usually wear necklaces!”

Well. Shit. They had a were-goose on their hands.

***

They discussed strategy while Emma changed Hope’s diaper. It’s very professional, with Emma breaking off mid sentence to coo at her daughter, and Killian holding the baby’s attention by making funny shapes with his tentacles.

Whatever. Everyone else there was a parent, and at some point had been equally ridiculous.

They decided that David and Granny would hunt down the goat, while Emma and the Killians would go after the goose.

Or maybe she’d kill David first, if he made one more goose pun. His suggestion that they decide who went on the “wild goose chase” by playing “duck duck goose” had made even Snow groan and slap his shoulder.

Snow was going to remain in the office to answer the phone until it was time to pick up Neal from his after school soccer practice, and she’d take Hope home with her until Emma picked her up. Because Emma was NOT spending another night without her daughter.

“Good girl, not making a mess. You save up the Big Stinkies for when Daddy has his hand, okay?” Emma said, as she closed up Hope’s onesie.

Killian glowered. Because even though he was used to pungent odors on his ship when they’d been at sea too long, even he hadn’t been prepared for the mess a baby could make.

“Okay, let’s get -” Emma began.

The door to the station flew open. “Emma!” a voice yelled frantically.

Emma peered out the door of the office. “Aladdin? What’s wrong?”

Aladdin raced towards her. “It’s Jasmine! We can’t find her anywhere - please, you must come at once!” he said breathlessly.

“Take a deep breath and tell me what happened,” she said, keeping her voice calm. Hopefully it was a simple matter of Jasmine going off by herself and forgetting to tell anyone.

Please be that simple.

“We were at breakfast, and she wanted to show me an amulet that was found in the Cave of Wonders.”

No, no, NO…

“She held it towards me, then there was a flash of light, and she started screaming. She ran…I followed, but fast as I am, she ran faster, and then…she was gone. We’ve searched the entire palace and have started searching through Agrabah… Please, we need your help!”

By then the others had come out to listen. If Aladdin was startled by the crocodile or the squid who was rolling himself slowly out because Emma hadn’t given him his water ball yet, he didn’t say anything.

“I need to check this out,” she said. She didn’t like the sound of this - all the transformations had been quick and painless so far. “Granny, can you handle the goat alone?”

“Sure thing!” Granny said. 

“Great.” Emma held up her hand, and a badge appeared in it. “Congratulations, you’re now a deputy of the Storybrooke Sheriff’s Department. Dad, you’re going after the goose. Take Killian with you.”

Killian slapped the floor in protest. Emma conjured his water ball, so she could look him in the eye. “I know, but I’m not sure how well you’d do in the desert. I need you to keep my Dad safe.”

“I’m sure there won’t be any fowl play,” David said cheekily.

“There will be if you don’t stop that,” Emma growled. “Jones, you’re with me.”

The crocodile nodded. Then he and Killian exchanged a look, and Jones nodded gravely. Emma could guess what had passed between them: keep her safe.

“Is he good with flying carpets?” Aladdin asked.

“Uh…sure.”

Jones looked faintly terrified.

“Let me just grab a vial of potion for a tracking spell,” she said, heading to the cabinet where they kept various potions and components ready.

As she walked away, she heard her mother yell, “DAVID NOLAN, you WILL wear a Kevlar vest! You know I’m allergic to goose down, and if you come back to me as a were-goose, you’re never sleeping inside again!”

Aladdin gave her a bewildered look, and Emma just shrugged. “Just a normal day at the office,” she said.

She grabbed her jacket, and the three of them headed out.


	3. Untitled Goose Chapter

Three - Untitled Goose Chapter

Killian and David exited the station just in time to see the flying carpet take off, Emma with one hand gripping the edge, the other desperately holding on to Jones, whose look of sheer panic is the last thing Killian sees of them.

“See?” David said. “Think you could do that in your hamster ball?”

Killian huffs, the sound absorbed by the water. Maybe it would have been awkward, aye, but at least he’d be able to protect Emma.

He knew she was tough, and could generally handle things without his help, but she was going up against an unknown lycanthrope, and she was vulnerable to its bite. She hadn’t even worn a Kevlar vest. He could at least shield her.

Instead, he was off to help her father with a bloody GOOSE.

Okay, he knew geese were vicious blighters. He’d broken into a manor house once that kept geese outside at night. The only reason he’d escaped with only a bite to the arse was because he ran faster than Smee.

Granny came out, crossbow held in a loose grip.

“Sure you don’t want help? This won’t take long, if you want to wait,” David said.

“Hmph. I’d be more worried about our goat.” She raised the crossbow threateningly.

“You’re not actually gonna shoot it, are you?” David finally sounded like he was taking things seriously. “It’s a person who may not even know what they are.”

“Nah. I rigged these up.” She removed a bolt from her quiver. The head had been replaced by what looked like a mini sandbag. “Won’t kill anything, but packs a punch. Sure you don’t want me to help you with your goose?”

“Even if it is a were-goose, which I kinda doubt, it probably won’t even be there today.” David shrugged. “I expect at worst, we’ll be dealing with someone’s lost pet.”

Granny raised an eyebrow. “Good luck,” she told Killian. “You’re gonna need it to keep this one alive.”

Aye, thanks, Killian thought, just as David gave an indignant “Hey!”

Granny departed, and David lead the way to his truck. “Guess we’ll need to take this. No way you’ll fit in a patrol car.”

Killian managed to hoist himself into the bed of the pickup, and David drove off, slow enough that Killian was able to hang on.

He had to admit: the extra limbs were useful for keeping himself secure.

Fortunately, the trip to the park was a short one. David watched Killian climb down, then glanced around the park. “Huh. I know school isn’t out yet, but there’s usually some people here.”

Killian immediately went on alert. He rolled after David as they headed towards the lake, the most likely location for the goose.

The closer they got, the more apparent it became: the park wasn’t just empty of people, there were no animal sounds at all.

Except for a worryingly loud splash.

“Okay, which way do you think we -” David began.

Killian, who had been watching the water, frantically tapped David’s shoulder. Uh, mate? Mate?!

A loud, angry hiss broke the silence, and David turned in time to see the goose step out of the lake and spread its wings threateningly.

“… maybe Alice should have mentioned this thing is the size of a velociraptor,” David said faintly.

***

Riding a flying carpet wasn’t anything like Emma had imagined. She’d expected the magic that granted it flight would also make it smooth and steady.

Instead, it was bumpy and jerky and windy and somehow there were still insects this high up. Emma was clinging on for dear life. Jones tried, but his claws weren’t the best for holding on. Emma wrapped an arm around his torso. She wasn’t sure what she could do to help if he fell, but at least it gave them both the illusion of safety.

Aladdin whooped and gave her a manic grin.

If he goaded the carpet into any “soaring, tumbling, freewheeling,” Emma was pushing him off.

From above, Emma could see just how haphazard the United Realm was. Completely disparate realms had been mashed together, in some places clashing wildly. From the serenity of the Enchanted Forest, to the busy faux London of the Land of Untold Stories, primal Neverland and elegant Arendelle…

It was like a poorly planned Disney park, honestly. 

And Agrabah was an example of that poor planning. It bordered Arendelle, and where the two lands met was a peculiar mix of snow and hot sand, coexisting thanks to magic. It created a border of steam that the inhabitants were wary of crossing.

Emma swallowed a shriek as the carpet suddenly plunged downwards towards the palace, aiming for a wide balcony. Jones bellowed and tried to burrow into her.

They stopped so abruptly that Emma was nearly flung off. She barely kept her seat as the carpet lowered itself to the ground.

“Sorry about that,” Aladdin said, helping Emma to her feet. “Er, is he all right?”

Emma looked down at Jones, who seemed to be frozen. Then he suddenly seemed to realize they’d stopped and he scrambled off, a rear claw catching in the carpet’s weave. He gave Emma a pleading look, and she helped him free. He turned and snapped his jaws at the carpet, which whacked him with a tassel in response.

“You just need something small, right?” Aladdin crossed what seemed to be an elegant bedroom to an ornate vanity. “Will a comb do?”

“If it’s something Jasmine uses frequently, then yes.”

She took the comb from Aladdin and removed the vile of tracking potion. “So long as she’s in the realm, this should lead us straight to her.”

She poured a couple of drops on the comb, and it floated up from her hand. “Hopefully, she’s just hiding-”

The comb hovered for a moment, then shot out the window towards the desert.

“You’ve got to be freaking kidding me,” Emma groaned, heading back to the carpet. Jones followed, looking as though he were heading to his own execution.

They followed the comb past the Agrabah limits, and into the open desert.

“It’s heading towards the Cave of Wonders!” Aladdin called. “Why would Jasmine go there?”

Emma was about to reply, when she caught sight of something. She leaned over to get a look, and Jones roared in reproach. “Take us down!”

The carpet obeyed, spinning on a dime and spiraling downward towards an outcrop of large boulders, an what at first looked like a large ragged cloth suspended between them.

They got closer, and Emma realized it wasn’t any kind of fabric.

“Is that - ?” Aladdin asked.

“Yeah…” Emma said quietly.

It was a giant snake skin.

***

The Storybrooke Sheriff’s Department also doubled as animal control (which made sense in a realm with fairytale animals that were also people) and because of this, the department had a tranquilizer gun, which David had grabbed before heading out.

Unfortunately, he’d grabbed the smallest darts they had, since he’d been anticipating maybe ten pounds of feathered fury.

Not six feet of primal rage.

David really needed to listen to his daughter when she told him something was dangerous.

The goose loosed an ear-splitting honk and lowered its head. It charged, webbed feet covering the ground at astonishing speed.

Bloody hell! David had raised the tranq gun and got off a shot. A red feather blossomed at the goose’s throat, but did nothing to slow the beast. David tried running and loading another dart into the gun simultaneously, but he wasn’t moving quickly enough.

Killian reached out of his globe and snagged David’s arm, yanking him inside. Killian immediately set it rolling as quickly as possible, the hissing goose snapping at his proverbial heels.

The world tumbled madly around them as the water ball began rolling down a slope towards the lake. 

Killian wondered if squids threw up.

The next revolution brought David into his field of vision. He pointed frantically at his mouth, from which the last bubbles of air were escaping.

With the globe gaining speed, Killian had no idea how he could get David to safety. 

The goose decided it for him. It thrust its head into the watery sphere, its bill heading straight towards David. Killian reacted instantly, shoving David out while simultaneously wrapping a tentacle around the goose’s neck.

They rolled end over end, the goose snapping at him the entire time. 

The water globe hit a picnic table at the edge of the water, causing it to careen off with a force that knocked Killian’s grip free and enabling the goose to force more of itself inside with him. 

Just before they hit the water, Killian felt the goose get a grip on his tender flesh and yank its head back.

Killian’s scream was a silent release of bubbles as streaks of blue began to cloud the water. Killian had a moment to wonder if that was actually his blood, and then his watery transport hit the surface of the lake and burst.

Killian began to sink, his vision going dark. The last thing he saw before blacking out was the goose diving down to him.

***

Aladdin was silent for the rest of the flight to the Cave of Wonders. Emma had explained the lycanthropy attacks, but Emma imagined it hadn’t seemed real until they’d seen the skin.

“Maybe it’s not her, maybe she’s just being chased…” Aladdin trailed off, trying to decide if that actually was the better option.

Emma, meanwhile, was focused on the size of the snake. Both the Killians and the dwarves seemed within the normal size range for their respective species, if on the larger end, so why was the skin at least twenty feet long?

The cliffs containing the Cave were along the mist-shrouded border, and Emma shivered as the temperature slowly dropped. Why had Jasmine come here? Surely she’d want to find somewhere warm?

The carpet landed next to a heap of rubble that vaguely resembled a tiger’s face. Only one upthrust fang had escaped unscathed.

Emma studied it, frowning. “How do we get inside?”

“This way. We’ve been excavating it for the treasure.” Jones’ head jerked up, and he suddenly looked interested. 

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Assuming their story followed the movie. That would be just what they needed, falling victim to cursed treasure.

“Not any more. All the magical treasure seems to have vanished after the Cave collapsed. We NEED that treasure; Agrabah was hidden away long enough that we no longer have any trade agreements with other kingdoms, nor do we have much to trade.” He lead them around the fang to what looked at first like a shallow overhang, but was actually the entrance to a steep tunnel. “Our kingdom is poor.”

Emma wondered if Regina knew, or if Jasmine was too proud to ask for help.

There were torches in sconces along the tunnel wall. Emma took one and lit it with her magic. Aladdin grabbed another, using her torch to light it.

The carpet followed, neatly folding itself and draping itself over Jones’ haunches. He gave it a beleaguered look, then resignedly followed behind.

The cave got colder the further down they went. Jones seemed to be getting sluggish, and Emma dropped back. “You gonna be okay?”

He nodded and surged forward determinedly. The carpet unrolled to cover Jones’ shoulders to his tail and tried to wrap around his belly.

A sudden hike in temperature preceded their arrival at last in the main chamber. Though there was no obvious light source, a lurid red glow was visible at the far end. Emma could make out the dark shapes of fallen boulders and scattered amongst the debris, glints of treasure. 

“What’s causing the light?” Emma asked.

“There’s a pool of lava at the far end. It doesn’t cool off, nor does it eat through the rock.” Aladdin suddenly grabbed her arm and jerked her back. “Careful; there are many unstable spots, and our teams have only excavated a small part of the chamber.”

Emma had been about to step into a shallow fissure. “Thanks,” she said, lowering her torch to better watch the floor. “Keep yours high, so we can see what’s around us.”

Aladdin nodded. Emma glanced around, looking for Jones. She found him off to her left, scratching at a pile of rubble to uncover a gem the size of her fist. The carpet was tugging at his police vest in an effort to pull him away. “Jones! We’re not here for treasure!”

Once a pirate, always a pirate. Jones sighed and turned to follow.

They proceeded, Aladdin jerking his torch towards any odd sound. So far, there was no sign of Jasmine, not even a cleared path where she could have slithered through the rubble.

Jones turned his head, attention caught by another gleam. He was about to investigate when the rasp of scales on stone made him freeze. Then something dropped in front of him, a coil that shimmered in torchlight. 

Another coil dropped in front of Emma and Aladdin, and they whirled around just as the gap was closed behind them by a massive hooded head. The cobra’s jaw dropped open, exposing a maw large enough to swallow them whole.

Jasmine was MUCH larger than twenty feet. Someone or something wanted her to wreak serious damage. Emma realized this lycanthropy infestation was much more dangerous than they’d all realized…

***

Killian desperately clung to consciousness. Captain Hook would not go down in history as having been pecked to death by a giant angry goose.

Its beak slammed down where Killian had been resting a moment before. Killian thwacked it with a balled-up tentacle, ignoring the searing pain that came with the movement (where was he hurt? He had no idea where the site of his injury corresponded to his human form.)

The goose opened its beak in reflex, causing most of its air to escape its lungs.

Killian swam along the bottom towards the dock used to launch swan boats in the summer. The goose bobbed upward to replenish its air, then continued to track Killian’s movements, a large, deadly shadow atop the water’s surface. It seemed to be taking its time, perhaps enjoying the hunt.

Why did he have to be red?! Couldn’t he be a color that actually blended in underwater? He may as well have a target painted on his hide!

Speaking of red, three more spots of it had appeared along the goose’s neck. So David was out there, hitting it with as many darts as he could, but the goose was simply too big.

Killian reached the dock and pulled himself between the support pylons. The gap between them wasn’t narrow enough to stop the goose, but it might give it pause.

Actually, it gave Killian an idea… He let a couple tentacles roll out from under the dock and lay limp.

The curl of blood that drifted up helped the illusion.

When the goose dove again, it was so sudden, it nearly caught Killian by surprise, even though he’d been expecting it.

It snapped at the tentacles, but jerked back in surprise when Killian wrapped them around its neck and yanked it through the gap and under the dock so its movements were limited.

Killian wrapped all his tentacles around the goose’s neck, beak, and the pylons, and grimly held on.

He had no idea how long a goose this big could hold its breath, but it couldn’t breathe underwater, like he could. It had to run out of air some time, if the tranqs didn’t take effect first.

It took a good ten minutes of the goose struggling and snapping and managing another painful bite, but finally, it went limp in his grasp.

Killian immediately released his grip on the dock and hauled it to the surface before it could drown.

David was waiting, tranq raised. When he saw that Killian had everything under control, he lowered the gun, giving Killian a better look at him.

He was streaked with a greenish-white substance.

And he stank.

“You pushed me into a giant goose poop,” David said, holding out a hand to help Killian haul the goose to the shore.

Sorry for saving your life, Dave, Killian thought. And laughed.

“You okay? Is that squid blood?!”

Killian couldn’t nod or give a thumbs up, so he just twitched.

“We need to hurry back to the station; there’s a first aid kit we can use.”

Killian supposed it was better than putting up with Dr. Whale.

“Um..wait, what happened to your water ball? Am I supposed to LIFT both of you into the truck?!”

Killian just did his silent squid laugh again. At least he was going to get some amusement on this disaster of a day.

***

“Oh. Hell. No.”

Emma was done. DONE. She’d been okay with her husband sprouting tentacles. She was fine with Jones getting scaly. Heck, even the dwarf-goats were kinda hilarious.

But a giant snake that could swallow them whole? NOPE.

“We’re getting out of here,” Emma said, searching for a way out. The coils, which gleamed golden brown in the torchlight, had them surrounded.

“But Jasmine - ” Aladdin began.

“Is too big to fit through the tunnel.” Jasmine’s tongue flicked out, and Jones roared when it swiped across his snout.

Emma wondered if that had been intentional. Had Jasmine realized what was happening and taken herself away from the city? It would explain why a snake would head somewhere so cold.

“There’s nothing here to hurt her, and she won’t hurt anyone. I say we leave her until she’s human again.”

The carpet unfurled itself from Jones’ back and lowered itself in front of him. Emma and Aladdin sprinted towards it as Jones scrambled on, and it swept upward in a steep climb that just barely evaded Jasmine’s strike. Jones bellowed; Emma looked back and realized he was only half on the carpet, his rear legs and tail dangling off. With only one front claw to grip, he was slipping off.

Emma grabbed him by the police vest, groaning in effort when she realized how heavy he was. She couldn’t haul him on, but at least he wasn’t sliding off, either.

“Get to the tunnel!” Emma yelled.

“No!” Aladdin gave the carpet a yank in the opposite direction. It shuddered. “I’m not leaving Jasmine!”

Emma tried to turn to Aladdin to tackle him, but Jones slipped further off the carpet. “Are you insane?” she shrieked as Aladdin again attempted to turn the carpet back towards the giant cobra. It bucked and fought, and Emma’s grip on Jones slipped.

“I love her,” Aladdin said softly. “I won’t let her be alone in this.” With that, he gave a last, violent tug on the carpet. There’s was a tearing noise, and the carpet rapidly dropped. It barely slowed enough for them to survive the crash. Emma and Jones were thrown clear, Jones grabbing her and holding her against him to soften the impact.

It took a moment for Emma’s vision to clear, but when it did, she wondered if she was seeing things. Aladdin was walking towards Jasmine, hand outstretched. “I want to be with you,” he said. “In every form.”

Oh. Hell. No.

“Aladdin, you id-”

Jasmine’s fangs flashed, and Aladdin cried out as a razor sharp tip sank into his hand.

“You have got to be KIDDING ME!!” Emma scrambled to her feet as Aladdin’s body seemed to melt and elongate, him screaming the entire time.

She and Jones ran as a second massive cobra took its place beside the first.

OH. HELL. NO.

***

It was fortunate that the park wasn’t very far from the station. The goose woke up halfway there and immediately began pummeling Killian with beak and wings. Though David had tried tying both closed, and Killian had wrapped his tentacles around the goose as added restraint, the beast proved tenacious, and Killian had several new bruises by the time the truck rumbled to a stop.

David had circled around and pulled down the tailgate, trying to figure out how he was going to get them both down and into the station, when a voice cried, “What the hell is that?!”

Regina had come out of the station and was staring at the enormous goose with horror. “THAT’S a were-goose?!”

“That, or the Land Without Magic’s religions are right and Satan is real,” David said, as the goose hissed furiously. “I don’t suppose you could just poof it to a cell, and then get Killian inside before he bleeds out?”

Regina didn’t hesitate. There was a swirl of purple and the goose was gone. But not far; a loud honking, along with terrified goat bleating, erupted from the station. “Remind me to reinforce the cells before I leave,” she said, staring at the station for a moment. Then she turned to Killian, who had exhaustedly let his tentacles fall limp. “What is that - is that blood?”

“Apparently squids bleed blue. We need to get him inside and tended to as quickly as possible.”

Regina nodded, and a moment later, they were in Emma’s still debris-strewn office, Killian lying limply across the desk. Regina extended a hand, which began to glow as she tried to heal him.

With no effect.

“Why didn’t that work?” Regina scowled.

“Because healing magic doesn’t work on lycanthropes,” Granny said, coming inside. “He needs to transform; that should heal the worst of it, and I can take care of the rest.” 

And how’s he supposed to do that?“ David demanded.

"With this,” another voice said. Ruby came in to the office, carrying a thick red bundle. “Granny thought we could give my cloak a try.

"Ruby!” David went in for a hug, but Ruby stepped back. “Nuh-uh. You’re not coming near me until you’ve had a shower.”

“Oh. Right,” David said, embarrassed.

“We’ll take care of the captain; go get cleaned up,” Granny commanded.

David obeyed, mumbling that Emma should have made Granny sheriff as he left.

“Now, give it a try,” Granny said.

Ruby shook out the cloak, then lay it over Killian.

For a moment, there was nothing. Then Killian felt pain (a contrast to his previous, instantaneous transformations) as his body was forced into a new configuration, and his bruises and bites found a new home on his human form.

But it was over in moments, and Killian was suddenly, amazingly HUMAN.

And bent over Emma’s desk with his bum in the air.

A bum which, he could now tell, had been the victim of the goose’s first bite.

Bloody hell. He’d been goosed by a goose.

Again.

It was fortunate Ruby’s cloak covered most of Killian; while his clothing had transformed along with him, it was tattered to the point that they didn’t preserve his dignity.

Not that he had much dignity left to preserve; he was arse up on Emma’s desk, after all. And while this wasn’t an unfamiliar position, it was one only Emma had ever seen. Until now.

Granny peeked under the cloak, causing him to splutter with indignation. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before, Captain,” Granny said, exasperated. “Besides, I need to check the damage. The shift took you out of danger, but you’re still bleeding. You definitely need stitches.”

Killian groaned.

“I’ll get the first aid kit,” Regina said, rushing off.

“Anything I can do?” Ruby asked.

“Clothes,” Killian said. Bloody hell, he couldn’t believe he had to resort to THIS. “There’s some spare clothes in the hall closet. Sweats,” he said, shuddering in horror.

They’d taken to keeping spare clothing at the station after one too many incidents. Unfortunately, cheap sweats and t-shirts were the best option.

The INDIGNITY.

Regina returned with the first aid kit, which was well stocked, and even had needles and thread for stitching. “I’ll just…see if I can get the necklace off the goose,” Regina turned to go.

“Would you please sterilize these first?” Granny asked, pulling out the needle and thread. Regina obliged, the objects momentarily glowing before returning to normal, and then she rushed off.

Granny flipped the cloak up around his shoulders and over his head. To distract himself as Granny cleaned the area, he asked, “I take it you tracked down our missing goat?”

“Yup. It’s Astrid.”

“…I have no idea who that is.”

“She’s one of the fairies. Nova.” Killian flinched at the mention of the fairies. He still hadn’t forgiven himself for the hat incident. “She’s actually sweet on Leroy, so I put her in the cell next to the others. No need for barnyard shenanigans.”

Killian hissed as the needle went in and out.

Ruby came back a moment later, her mouth screwed up in an attempt to hide a smile. “Looks like David raided the closet first. These were all that were left.”

Killian looked.

And stared.

“Bloody hell, I’d rather be a squid.”

The pants were a hot, eye-searing pink, and the shirt was a sunny yellow.

Ruby cackled. “Combined with my cloak, you’re gonna look FABULOUS.”

***

Granny was nearly finished with Killian’s rear when he heard a loud, joyous giggle, followed by a startled “Oh!” and he groaned inwardly.

His mother-in-law had the best timing.

Killian turned to face his giggling daughter. “Yes, little love, that’s Daddy’s bum,” he said resignedly.

This was clearly the funniest thing ever, because she let loose another one of her laughs, and gave him a huge gummy smile.

“I’ll just…” Snow had her face to the ceiling.

“No, bring her over. I need a distraction.”

Keeping her head turned away from his rear, Snow brought Hope over and set her on the desk by Killian’s head, and stood behind the baby so she could keep her upright.

Killian raised his head, and Hope immediately grabbed for his beard. Then she froze and scrunched up her nose, giving him a strange look. “What’s wrong, love?” he asked.

“You smell like the Thursday Special,” Granny said with a huff.

Killian’s stomach rumbled at the thought, reminding him he hadn’t eaten for hours. “That sounds amazing right now,” he said wistfully, as Hope resumed her stretch for his face. She whacked his cheek, making him wince. “Good job, love, you helped Daddy find a bruise.”

“You DO realize the Thursday Special is calamari, right?” Granny asked, looking up from where she was tying off the final stitch.“

"Aye. It’s one of my favorites, you’ll recall.”

“Still? Even though it’s squid?”

Killian shrugged. “I like it.” And tried to hide a wince, because his lass was sensitive, and he didn’t want to scare her by showing he was in pain.

“Let me just check that slash on your arm, and then you’ll be good to go.”

Killian held out his left forearm, which had a deep gash, but paid no attention as Granny quickly stitched and bandaged it. He was too busy letting Hope grab his hair, which he’d been growing out for the approaching cold months. He was starting to regret it, because his lass had a hell of a grip.

At last, Granny declared she’d done all she could, and Killian had to face his next big challenge: changing into the awful clothing Ruby had found for him. While still wearing the cloak.

Ruby stole Hope from Snow as he struggled to change while keeping in contact with the cloak the whole time. “She’s so beautiful!” Ruby gushed. Hope grabbed at her red-streaked hair in fascination.

“So now what, Captain?” Granny asked. 

Killian rescued Ruby from Hope and cuddled her close, only wincing slightly when she curled her fist in his shirt and caught his chest hair as well. 

“Now? I’m going after Emma. I’m probably overreacting,” something he’d done far too often since Emma had become pregnant, much to his shame, “but I feel she’s in grave danger.”

Killian was all set to go charging headlong after Emma, but logic prevailed. He didn’t know where in Agrabah she even was, or if she actually was in trouble. He called and left a message, telling himself to give her time to call back. She might already have everything taken care of.

He used the time to feed Hope, tucking her into his left arm and holding the bottle in a hand that was only slightly shaking.

(Emma was in danger. He KNEW it.)

He paced the office, unable to sit on his newly-stitched and bandaged rear (it felt like a bloody DIAPER.)

Everyone else had gathered in the office, Regina with clothing and hair disheveled from her scuffle with the goose. The necklace dangled from her fingers.

“So, two sets of transformations yesterday, and two today,” Regina began.

“That we know of,” David said.

“And I think it’s safe to assume there’s going to be more tomorrow,” Regina continued. “But there’s no pattern; we have no way to predict who’s next.”

“That’s not entirely true,” Killian said quietly, removing the bottle from his now-sleeping daughter’s lips. “We’re the only police force that works the entire realm. If the spell had worked how it was supposed to…and if it hadn’t been Emma’s day off… I could have KILLED her!” He felt ill. His grip on Hope tightened. He’d been intended to leave is baby without a mother…and he wouldn’t have survived that…

“But you didn’t,” Granny said. “The two of you are the most docile lycanthropes I’ve ever met.”

“If the first transformations were meant to be strategic, then who’s our goose?” Snow asked.

“The devil,” David muttered.

Regina sucked in a breath. “Someone who hasn’t returned any of my calls despite the emergency situation. The Blue Fairy.”

“Aw, hell,” David muttered. “Demon goose nun.”

Killian continued pacing. Granny’s eyes followed him. “Are you anxious about something?” she asked.

“I’m just…worried about Emma,” he said.

“I think it’s more than that,” Granny said. “You’re picking something up through your pack bond to the other you.”

Killian’s head jerked up. “So Emma IS in danger? I need to get to her!” He tried to remember how long it would take to drive to Agrabah. Too long. “Regina, can you send me?”

“I’m coming too,” Ruby said. “Won’t hurt to have another lycanthrope at your back.”

“And me,” David began.

“No - someone needs to stay in case another lycanthrope is reported,” Killian said.

Killian was about to hand Hope off to Snow, but then he hesitated. He shifted her in his arms so he could look into her face. She opened her eyes and furrowed her brow at him. He kissed her forehead and murmured, “I’ll see you tonight, little love. I might not be human, but… it’s all right. It just means I’ll have more arms to cuddle you with.”

He reluctantly handed her over, then took the cutlass David handed him and joined Ruby and Regina.

“Ready?” Regina asked.

“Ready,” they confirmed.

With a swirl of purple smoke, the sheriff’s station vanished.


	4. Performance anxiety

Four - Performance anxiety

Without torches, the Cave of Wonders wasn’t as dark as Emma had feared; the stone surfaces were reflecting the light from the lava pit, so she at least she wasn’t running headlong into every stalagmite and -tite. Still, she kept a tight grip on Jones’ police vest in the hope his night vision was better than hers.

They needed to get out of there. She could feel Jones shuddering with terror as they picked their way as quietly as possible towards what Emma hoped was their crash site, Emma’s ears straining for any sounds from the two giant serpents. They’d headed towards the back of the cave after Aladdin’s transformation, to the lava pit. So far, they’d been worryingly quiet.

Emma’s teleportation range wasn’t as far as Regina’s. She could get Jones and herself out of the cave, but she’d have to make multiple hops that would exhaust her magic to get home. She was hoping to find the carpet and see if it could still fly.

Besides, it was sentient enough to show fear. And pain. She couldn’t leave it behind.

Jones abruptly stopped, then lunged sideways to scratch at what sounded like a pile of pebbles.

“What are you -?” she began, but then Jones grunted with satisfaction as he pried loose another gem. “Really?” she hissed.

Jones scooped it into his jaws.

Emma rolled her eyes, but let it slide.

They continued, picking their way through the rubble until once again Jones lunged forward, nearly hauling her off her feet.

Some seeing-eye crocodile he was turning out to be, distracted as he was by shiny things.

This time, however, his digging revealed a corner of fabric with a ragged tassel. Emma crouched down to help him clear the rest of the debris. The carpet gave a shudder, then twisted around to help free itself, using the tassel to brush away rocks. When they flipped a rock to reveal that an entire corner was missing, it folded over in what Emma could tell was a dejected slump.

“Can you fly?” she asked softly.

It seemed to consider the question, then held its tassel in a so-so gesture. “Not well enough to get us out of here?” The carpet’s side to side shake was a clear “No.”

“Okay, walking it is,” she said. The carpet rolled itself up and flopped over Jones’ back. “Let’s head to the entrance -”

A loud crack of stone interrupted her, and she and Jones whirled around.

The two snakes were over by the lava pit and were clearly illuminated by the light. They were next to the cave wall. One of them was pulling its head back from the wall, shaking it back and forth, as though in pain. The other rammed its skull into the rock, causing another loud crack.

Oh, no… There was only one reason they’d be attacking the stone like that: they’d found a weakness and were trying to bash their way out of the cave.

Shit. She and Jones exchanged glances. So much for escape. They’d have to stop them, but how?

They made their slow way back across the cave, a journey made more dangerous as the snakes’ barrage shook rocks loose from the ceiling. Once, only Jones’ quick dodging pulled her out of the way of one falling boulder.

Emma took back everything bad she’d thought about his seeing-eye skills.

They came as close as they dared, and crouched behind an outcrop to observe. What could she do? If she caused a rock fall to shore up the weak spot, she risked hurting Aladdin and Jasmine. If she tried attacking to draw them away, she didn’t think she’d be able to escape.

Besides, what if only one gave chase and the other continued its attack on the wall?

Before Emma could decide on a course of action, a hand fell on her shoulder. Emma bit back a scream and whirled around to find Killian behind her, a cloak flaring dramatically around him as he stepped back from her flailing punch.

Her husband was so damned extra.

“Killian!” she breathed. Behind him were Regina and Ruby, who were both staring in open-mouthed horror at the snakes’.

“Hello, Love. Are you all - what the bloody hell?!” he’d finally caught sight of the snakes.

Emma had to admit, it made her feel good that her husband was so in love with her that he’d focused on her before seeing the gigantic snakes.

“Why are they so big?” Ruby squeaked, staring at two cobras pounding away at the cave wall.

“And who is the other one? Wasn’t it just Jasmine?” Killian asked.

“I don’t know, and the other one is Aladdin because he is a fucking romantic IDIOT who didn’t want her to suffer alone,” Emma seethed. 

“Ah,” Killian, who was admittedly also a romantic idiot, said faintly.

“So, what’s the plan?” Regina demanded. “I can put up a barrier that should last the rest of the night, but you’ll have to draw them away long enough for me to make sure I’ve covered the whole area. But there’s no guarantee that they won’t find somewhere else to break through.”

“I don’t think they will; it’s colder near the cave entrance, and I doubt they’ll try to break through the side that borders Arendelle. They’d freeze.”

“So we’ll lead them away, and you close the hole,” Killian said. “That seems simple enough.” 

“Not with your injuries,” Ruby countered.

“Injuries? Killian, where are you hurt?” Emma thought she’d seen him wince, but he’d quickly covered it.

“Ah… it’s nothing to worry about, Love,” Killian said, scratching behind his ear.

“It’s his ass,” Ruby said. “Granny stitched him up, but that goose ripped a chunk out of him.”

“It was a BIG goose,” Killian mumbled defensively, as Jones made an odd noise that sounded like a laugh.

“Point is, he won’t be doing much running,” Ruby said.

Killian scowled.

“There is something you can help with,” Regina interrupted. Probably a good thing, because Emma was about to demand Killian show her his injury.

“And what’s that?” Killian asked.

“You can lure Aladdin away, but I need that necklace Jasmine is wearing.”

“And how are you going to accomplish that?” Emma demanded. “Can’t it wait until Jasmine is human?!”

“The sooner I have it, the sooner I can study the spell. And I have an idea how to get it; Killian, you’re the only one who can give me what I need to do it.”

“And what’s that?” Killian asked, eyes narrowing. He was tired of being everyone’s spell component.

“Squid ink!”

Killian blinked. Then blinked again. “ You want what?!”

“Squid ink,” Regina said patiently, as though it were the most reasonable thing in the world to ask for one’s bodily fluids.

“I can’t do that!” Killian spluttered. “I don’t even know how!”

Regina scowled. “Well, figure out how, because it’s the only way we’re stopping Jasmine without hurting her. C'mon, it can’t be that hard. Just like any other fluid - squeeze it out.”

“Seriously, Regina?” Emma muttered under her breath. “That’s going to haunt me.”

“Do we really need the necklace?”

“Tracing magic works best with a fresh source, and this is the most recent transformation. I can’t use the dwarves’ amulet, so this is the only option.” Regina placed her hand on her hips. “Now,” there was a swirl of purple, and a bottle appeared in her hand. “Fill it up.”

Killian cast Emma a pleading look. Emma looked sympathetic. “Isn’t there anything else? Poppy dust, maybe?”

Regina shook her head. “The poppies didn’t cross the realm with Oz. Please, Hook… I don’t want to harm Jasmine.”

“All right,” Killian sighed, hand going to the cloak’s clasp. “But nobody watch.” It couldn’t be that hard, right?

As the cloak fell away, he heard Emma’s stifled giggle. “Oh my God, do those pants say JUICY on the ass?”

Killian rolled his eyes, and then the change ripped through him, toppling him with the force of it. “You okay, Killian?” Emma asked, stepping forward to take a tentacle and help him upright. He made an ‘O’ with a tentacle, the closest he could get to an 'OK.’

He accepted the bottle from Regina, who pointedly turned her back on him to study the cave wall. Ruby scooped up her cloak, said “I’ll give this back when you’re done,” and joined Regina. Jones plopped down and spat out a jewel, which he began to examine critically.

“Need some help?” Emma asked quietly.

Killian didn’t think there was anything she could do. Inking was a defense mechanism, he recalled; he needed to be afraid.

But… he’d been afraid of the goose, and nothing had happened.

Well, maybe it was like Regina said. Just like any other bodily function, right?

Wrong.

Killian tried everything he could think of, but nothing happened. “You look like Hope when she’s doing one of her big poops,” Emma said.

Well, this was bloody inconvenient. In his three hundred years, he’d never had any kind of performance issues!

———

Emma left Killian to figure things out without an audience (or less of an audience, anyway; Jones stubbornly refused to move from what she now realized was a warm rock, and the carpet was still folded across his back, so Killian hadn’t realized it, too, could be watching.)

She joined Regina and Ruby, who had climbed to the top of a large boulders and were gazing out, not at the snakes, but towards the lava pit.

Regina looked back when a skittering stone caught her attention. “Any luck?”

“Nope. And your talk of squeezing was no help.”

Regina shrugged, and returned to scanning the area.

“What’s up?” Emma asked.

“I’ve changed my mind about putting a barrier along the cave wall - it would be spread too thin, and might not hold through the night. Plus, there’s no guarantee they’ll let the cold stop them from breaking through to Arendelle.”

“So, what are you thinking?” Emma asked.

“A dome. Somewhere near the lava pit so they’ll stay warm. I just need to figure out how to set it so they’ll be able to escape when they’re human, in case I can’t get here to dismiss it.” She scowled. “I’d set it to dissolve on its own, but there’s no guarantee they’ll change back at the same time the Hooks did last night.”

“Can you set up a door? This would be a good place for them to return when they transform, if it were a permanent shield.”

“Not without affecting the barrier’s integrity. But maybe…” Regina narrowed her eyes. “Ruby, you have night vision. Those rocks leaning against each other…do you see any kind of gap, or are they touching?”

Ruby narrowed her eyes. “Looks like they’re touching.”

“Then that could work. If I set the barrier to go along the top of those rocks instead of the ground, it’ll leave an opening just big enough for Jasmine and Aladdin to escape.” Regina grinned. “Okay, I’m going to head over there to lay the groundwork, and I’ll text you when I’m ready for them.”

Regina slipped off, vanishing into the darkness.

“Is this a good time to mention I’m afraid of snakes?” Ruby asked weakly.

“I think everyone is afraid of these snakes.” Emma turned back to the cobras, still methodically pounding at the cave wall.

Wait…

There was only one, making enough noise to sound like two.

“Where’s Jasmine?” Emma hissed.

Somewhere behind her, Jones roared in terror.

———-

Squeeze.

What the bloody hell was he supposed to squeeze?! Killian wanted to yell. Except that squids apparently made no noise whatsoever, so Killian couldn’t even properly vent.

Jones looked up from his gem. He made a noise that might have been encouragement, but also might have been a laugh. Knowing him, it could have been both.

Why couldn’t he do this simple, squiddy thing? He’d caught squid before, and they’d always inked. Always. So why couldn’t he?

He slapped the ground, annoyed. A rock skittered at the impact. And then a shower of smaller rocks rained down on him.

Lovely. He’d started a rockslide. Emma would find him crushed under a pile of boulders. Hopefully, it would at least squeeze some ink out of him.

Jones stopped laughing and stared, his eyes widening in horror. He bellowed, scooped up his gem, then scrambled across the rock towards Killian. 

Killian couldn’t roll his eyes to look up, but a deep hissing sound clued him in: one of the snakes was on the rock above him. 

The vibration of its movement knocked Killian sideways, and suddenly he had a front row view to a massive jaw rushing towards him.

Jones bellowed again, then bit down on the snake’s lower jaw. It gave a mighty shake, sending Jones sailing into the darkness, leaving Killian alone with the cobra.

It struck, but Killian had managed to shift enough that its head landed near his tentacles, which he immediately wrapped around the snake’s upper jaw. He clung on grimly, right between the snake’s baleful eyes as the snake shook it’s head rapidly, but he wouldn’t be dislodged.

Ink! he screamed internally. INK!!!!

Half of his tentacles lost their grip, and Killian was dangling precariously below the snake’s head - at the same level as that bloody necklace that was the cause of his predicament. But he couldn’t do anything about it - one more shake and he’d fall, and then HE’D be calamari.

Something soared past the cobra’s head, distracting it enough for Killian to shift his position. It was Jones on what looked like a frayed carpet, bobbing through the air. Killian pointed a tentacle at the necklace. Jones nodded.

While Jones kept this snapping jaws busy, Killian swung himself over to the necklace. He’d have to somehow creep along to the clasp. If Jones just kept Jasmine distracted long enough…

Jasmine threw back her head and made an odd screaming sound - which was immediately answered. It was followed by the sound of something crashing through the rubble.

Oh. Good. Aladdin was joining the party.

—————

Emma sprinted, nearly twisting her ankle half a dozen times on the rubble, and reached the clearing just in time to see the Jones and the flying carpet barely evade the cobra’s snapping jaws. The carpet’s flight was erratic, and Emma didn’t think it could keep this up much longer.

She couldn’t see Killian anywhere.

A crashing sound heralded the arrival of the second cobra.

Ruby staggered to a halt beside her, tossed aside the cloak she still held, and began the transformation into a wolf. 

“We need to lure them to Regina,” Emma said. Ruby nodded. Emma scooped up Ruby’s cloak and threw it over her shoulders in order to make herself a more tempting target for the snakes. “And find Killian!”

They charged forward. Emma shot a fireball just past Aladdin’s eye when he nearly snagged the carpet with a fang.

They zig-zagged around the clearing, drawing the snakes out and towards Regina’s trap. At one point, they even managed to get the snakes’ heads to collide, momentarily stunning them.

Jones used the momentary reprieve to swoop down. Emma’s heart sank when she saw Killian wasn’t with him. “You’re getting good at that,” Emma said, and Jones smiled. “Where’s Killian?”

Jones jerked his head towards Jasmine, who was already recovering and starting to rise. Before her hood obstructed the view, Emma got a glimpse of something clinging to the back of her neck.

This entire time, Killian had been going for the necklace. It must have been like riding a bronco… “Don’t worry about us; help him. Don’t let him fall.”

Jones nodded and soared away.

——

Killian felt ill. He wondered if this was what sea sickness felt like. He’d been tossed around, up, down, sideways… His tentacles were raw from clinging to the necklace, and the metal was slick with blood. 

Worse, the clasp was proving difficult to manipulate without fingers.

With Jasmine stunned, Killian went to work at it, trying to get a grip with his bloody tentacles. And then finally - finally - Killian was able to open the clasp just as Jasmine shuddered beneath him and began to raise her head.

As the necklace began to slide free, Killian wrapped his tentacles around her neck and found himself with two new problems: a) snake scales weren’t good for getting a grip, and b) the necklace, which he’d planned to let fall to the ground for later pick-up was shrinking from giant snake size to human size, which would make finding it again nearly impossible. 

Killian lunged for it, lost his grip on Jasmine, and plunged downwards. 

He could only watch helplessly as the ground rapidly approached…

And then he and the necklace landed atop Jones and the flying carpet.

Killian held up the necklace triumphantly. He hadn’t even had to ink!

————-

Running across a dark, rubble-strewn cave was exhausting. Emma’s ankles hurt, and her knees and palms were scraped from a nasty tumble. Only Ruby’s quick intervention had kept Aladdin’s jaws from closing around her.

The wolf moved like quicksilver. If it had just been her, they would have the snakes in position already. But whenever Emma tried to dart away, to lose herself in the dark, she was met with a wall of scaled flesh.

Why did it feel like the snakes were herding them?

At least they were being herded in the direction they wanted the snakes, anyway. She wondered if they were being driven to the lava pit, where there would have been no escape for them if Regina hadn’t had the trap in place.

Emma bit back a cry as her ankle turned again on a small stone. 

There was a roar, and the flying carpet drew up level with her. Jones shifted over, making room for her, and Killian, looking worse for wear, grabbed her around the waist and pulled her up. The carpet drooped alarmingly, but kept up its struggling flight. 

Killian held up the necklace. He was practically radiating ‘smug.’

“We need to lure the snakes this way,” Emma told them, pointing. “Regina’s setting up a magical barrier, and we need to get them inside.”

They came up to Ruby. “Need a ride?”

The wolf turned towards them. Her eyes were gleaming, and her tongue hanging out of her mouth. She shook her head and put on another burst of speed.

She may have been afraid of snakes, but she was clearly reveling in the chase, even knowing she was bait. She loosed a howl as she ran, and Emma couldn’t resist responding. Jones roared. Killian snapped his beak.

The carpet scraped the ground and shuddered. Dammit… They needed to lighten the load before the carpet failed completely. “Regina’s right over there - I’m going to help her, you keep leading them towards that clear area.”

She rolled off, wincing at the sharp rocks biting into her flesh, but she quickly lurched to her feet and sprinted towards the rock where she could just see Regina, who seemed to glow in the light cast by the lava.

“Need a hand?” Emma panted as she limped up to her.

“I got it; just keep the snakes away from me.”

The snakes slithered past, spraying them with pebbles in their wake. Ruby was standing in the center of clearing, poised to run. Jones, Killian, and the carpet were straining to clear a pile of boulders that glowed faintly purple - the edge of the barrier Regina was ready to trigger.

Almost ready…

Aladdin’s tail cleared the limit of Regina’s barrier, and she immediately triggered it. Ruby was off like a shot towards the stone arch that would serve as Jasmine and Aladdin’s exit as humans.

And then it happened: the foundering carpet swayed and tipped, and Killian rolled backwards within the barrier just as it snapped closed. 

Jones tried to circle around, but rebounded off the barrier. The snakes hit the barrier at the same time and simultaneously drew their heads back to shake.

And then Jasmine caught sight of Killian lying helpless on the ground beside them.

She lunged.

————-

Emma launched herself forward, running full tilt towards the small gap in the barrier. Ruby, who had just emerged, scrambled to a halt when she saw Emma. “Killian’s still inside!” Emma cried. Ruby twisted around and hurtled back through, Emma hot on her heels.

Jasmine had Killian caught up in her jaws, and Aladdin was snapping at the dangling tentacles. Only a tentacle wrapped around Jasmine’s lower jaw kept the cobra from swallowing him down.

Emma flung a fireball towards Jasmine’s head. This time, Emma didn’t deliberately miss, and it caught Jasmine in the throat. 

Jasmine spat out Killian and turned her malevolent gaze on Emma. Aladdin went for Killian, but Ruby was there, biting at his nose then dashing away to tear at the edge of his hood before darting off again. Her attacks did little damage, but kept Aladdin occupied.

That left Jasmine, who was pulling back for a strike.

Emma clawed at the clasp to Ruby’s cloak, freeing it. She flung it in Killian’s general direction with her right hand, and extended her left towards Jasmine. When the snake’s head shot forward, Emma ‘caught’ it in her magic - and staggered back with a cry.

Emma had held and moved things with just her magic before, but never anything as big as Jasmine. Her magic flared around her as she struggled to keep the massive snake in place. Her skin broke out in a sweat, and she began to tremble with the strain.

Blackness began to creep into her vision, and she swayed. She wouldn’t be able to hold on much longer…

“Emma,” Killian’s voice was barely audible in her ears. His hand, slick with blue and red blood, wrapped around hers. “Let her go, Emma. We need to get out of here.”

Emma turned to meet Killian’s battered features. He was even more bruised than when she’d last seen him. She wondered what other injuries the cloak was hiding.

There was a hammering against her magic. Jasmine might not look like she was moving, but she was fighting Emma’s magic. And she was nearly free.

“Run!” Emma screamed, dropping the magic and breaking into a stumbling run, Killian at first hot on her heels and then passing her and dragging her along. Ruby followed, slowing only once to leap and snap at Jasmine when she came too close.

And then Killian was hauling her through the gap, and they fell into a heap together as Jasmine crashed into the barrier.

“Emma, Love… let’s not do that again,” Killian gasped out.

Emma just gave him a weary thumbs up.

Ruby stood over them and whined anxiously. Jones and the carpet joined them a moment later. Jones waddled off, his gait unsteady, and came over to to poke at Killian. The carpet had folded itself in half, its misery at its failure plain. Emma patted the unraveling corner. “You did good,” she told it softly. “You’re injured, it’s not your fault.”

Emma unsteadily got to her feet. Her whole body ached, like every muscle had tensed up and now she was feeling the after-effects.

Killian was slower to rise. He moved as if he were in great pain, and trying not to show it. “Bloody hell,” he groaned. “That’s twice today I’ve been bitten in the arse,” he growled.

Emma couldn’t stop a giggle from escaping. “Well, it IS 'juicy’” she said, and Killian huffed.

“Is everyone all right?” Regina asked as she finally joined them.

Killian grunted. “We just want to get back,” Emma said. If she didn’t sit down soon, she was going to fall down.

“Here’s your bloody necklace,” Killian growled, tossing to her. “Didn’t even need to ink.”

“No, you just bled more,” Emma said softly. Killian shrugged. Emma turned to the carpet. “Watch over them, would you?” She nodded towards Aladdin and Jasmine. The carpet saluted, and drifted over to fold itself untidily in the gap in the barrier.

“All right, let’s go.” Regina transported them back to the station, and Emma almost collapsed in her chair. But first she had to know, “What the hell is making that racket?”

“That would be one very large, very angry, demonic fairy goose,” Killian said.  
Sometimes, Emma hated her job.  
————-

Granny tutted as she stitched up Killian’s rear for the second time that day. “If I didn’t know any better, Captain, I’d think you were flirting with me.”

Killian winced at a particularly hard jab of the needle. “How else am I going to tempt bearclaws out of you, Lady Lucas?” he was trying to sound flirtatious, but Emma could hear the strain in his voice.

“Hmph. You don’t even eat sweets,” Granny grumbled.

“Aye, but I wouldn’t say no to free calamar-EEE!” he yelped, when Granny yanked harder than necessary.

“There. I suggest offering other parts of yourself as a target next time, or it’ll be months before you’ll be able to sit again.”

“Yes, Ma'am.” Killian saluted.

He stood, wincing. Emma went to him and carefully embraced him. “You could have been killed,” she said.

“At least as a squid, I have no bones to break,” he joked. Emma glowered. He sighed. “I tried to ink, Love, but nothing happened. I was bloody TERRIFIED, and still nothing.”

Regina cleared her throat, and they both jumped. Emma hadn’t heard her enter the office. “Thanks for getting the necklace, Hook. I’ll contact the Agrabah palace and let them know what’s going on, then I predict a long night in my workshop with these.” She had the goose’s necklace as well, which Emma had heard Regina had wrestled the goose for. Emma had gone to see the goose for herself, and now she had a new respect for Regina.

Before leaving, Killian reluctantly handed the cloak off to Ruby, who was stuck in wolf form until Emma draped it over her shoulders. Emma called up Killian’s water ball before he could fall to the floor.

Emma deputized Ruby, who was staying at the station with Granny to watch their menagerie. They’d need all the help they could get, and another lycanthrope immune to what was happening would be an asset.

Since Emma had transported them there, David drove them home, stopping first at the farm to pick up Hope.

Killian and Jones rode in the back of the pickup, Jones sticking his muzzle over the side like a dog.

Emma had just enough energy to order a dozen pizzas for the starving lycanthropes, then collapsed on the couch, Hope in her arms. The cooking show she left on droned on in the background, ignored, as she cooed to Hope. Killian held out his tentacles hopefully, and Emma shifted her daughter into the cradle he’d made of them.

It was a quiet evening, the only sounds being Hope’s excited babbling and the tearing of cardboard as Jones ripped apart a pizza box in an effort to get at the food. Killian noticed his difficulty and proceeded to open all of the boxes.

Emma slept on the couch, Hope asleep in her arms, until Killian’s soft voice woke her. Emma checked the time: 2 am, roughly the same time he’d reverted the previous night.

They went up to bed, and fell asleep in each other’s arms. Emma thought she’d be dead to the world until morning, but she woke up some hours later, unable to move.

“Killian? Killian!”

Her husband jerked awake. “Love, what’s wrong?” He fumbled for the light on the nightstand.

“I can’t move!” The light clicked on, and they both stared at the black fluid that streaked the bed.

“Killian…did you INK?”


	5. zim zala rim bim

Chapter Five - zim zala rim bim

When Emma woke up, Killian had already slunk off downstairs. She knew he felt guilty about the inking, but Emma knew it wasn’t his fault.

Honestly, it was hilarious, now that she could look back on it.

Emma had already showered, once she’d regained her mobility, so all she needed was to throw on her robe and head downstairs, where Killian and Jones were again making breakfast.

She could get used to this.

Jones handed her a coffee mug. Killian was holding Hope, who was avidly watching as he stirred a bowl of pancake batter. He wouldn’t look at her.

Jones glanced between them, curious, but he didn’t pry. He went back to the rasher of bacon he was cooking.

“Killian,” Emma said softly.

Hope made a grab for the spoon Killian was wielding, nearly diving head first into the bowl. Killian adjusted his hold on her.

“Killian! Look at me!” He finally turned, but his gaze was downcast. “Killian, I’m not mad,” she said.

They hadn’t spoken when she’d gone off to shower and he’d changed the bedding; he’d been beet red with embarrassment, and she’d been afraid of laughing and making him feel worse. And by the time she got out of the shower, he’d slipped under the fresh blanket and was pretending to sleep.

Now she realized she should have said something, because he’d misinterpreted her silence.

“You’re not?”

Hope grunted in frustration and lunged for the bowl, head first. Killian wrapped both arms around her before she could complete her dive.

“I’ll take her while you finish,” Emma said. Killian handed her over. Emma positioned Hope more comfortably, took a sip of her coffee (Jones had gotten the cream and sugar ratio perfect), and said again, “I’m not angry. I didn’t say anything because I was trying not to laugh.”

Jones was very carefully not looking at them, but she could tell he was listening.

Killian looked like he wasn’t sure if her amusement was better or worse.

“I mean, I couldn’t move for awhile, and that was a hell of a clean-up after, but I’m fine, really.”

The spatula fell from Jones’ fingers with a clatter. He swore, picked it up off the floor, and went to the sink to rinse it off.

“Nothing like that has ever happened to me before,” Killian mumbled.

“It was an accident, Killian. It’s all right!”

Jones, looking slightly pained, said, “I’m just going to leave you two alone.” He looked ready to flee.

Emma blinked, confused, then realized how their conversation sounded. “Oh. No, it’s nothing like that! Killian inked in the middle of the night.”

Jones turned to Killian, who was blushing again. “You inked?” Killian nodded. “While human?” He nodded again.

Jones guffawed and Killian growled.

There would probably have been a beat down, but they were interrupted by the doorbell. Emma stood, bracing Hope against her shoulder, and went to answer.

Granny was at the door. She looked relaxed, if exhausted, so Emma figured there hadn’t been any big emergency overnight. She invited the old wolf in, and Granny followed her to the kitchen.

There was a splatter of pancake batter on Jones’ cheek, and another on Killian’s chest. Emma felt as though she’d missed an epic battle.

“How was last night?” Emma asked. Killian was pouring batter into a pan, but his head was cocked to show he was listening. Jones was making another cup of coffee, probably for Granny.

“Noisy, until everyone transformed at about two in the morning. The goose IS Blue. She said it would be safer to leave her in the cell for now, and even helped reinforce it.”

“Does she have any idea what’s happening?”

Granny shook her head. She accepted the coffee from Jones. She took a sip and hummed in satisfaction. Jones beamed. “Not a clue. Said she found the necklace just sitting on her nightstand, touched it, and blacked out. She woke up in the middle of the night by the lake and returned to the convent, where she planned to investigate what happened, but she fell asleep, until she changed again, and doesn’t remember anything until she changed back this morning.”

“The necklace was just on her nightstand? It wasn’t something she found a month or so ago?” Emma asked.

“Not according to Blue. Speaking of necklaces, by the way, I have Leroy’s.” Granny scowled down at the paper bag she’d brought in with her.

Emma wrinkled her nose. “That was bold, just leaving it in her room,” Emma said.

“Aye, but leaving a magical item with the Blue Fairy for a month would be even more risky,” Jones said.

“Better to give her no chance to possibly identify or track the magic,” Killian said.

“Do they finish each other’s sentences yet?” Granny asked.

“Thanks for letting us know. I’ll make sure the dwarves’ amulet gets to Regina. Get some sleep; I’m sure we’ll need your help later.”

Granny waved a hand dismissively. “I’m fine. Slept some when everyone was human again. I actually came to give you boys something I was working on.”  
She fished around in the paper bag (Emma desperately hoped the amulet was in a sealed bag) and pulled out a neatly folded length of crimson fabric, then another one. “These scarves are made from pieces of Red’s cloak. They don’t have as much magic as the cloak, but they should have enough to prevent you from being forcibly transformed.”

Wide-eyed, Killian and Jones accepted the gifts. They weren’t elegant, obviously put together in haste, but they were well made. “And it didn’t damage the cloak to cut these off?” Killian asked.

“Nope. Only reason the cloak is so damned big is so Red can be dramatic. Now, if you do transform, these don’t have the power to return you to human form, but they should keep you human. I have the feeling we’re all going to need it.”

And on that gloomy note, Granny shooed them all from the kitchen, clucking over the state of it (apparently, there’d been batter-slinging while Emma had been answering the door) and Granny had given the streaked countertop a long-suffering sigh.

Emma would object to being banned from her own kitchen, but…free breakfast made by Granny. Plus, when she’d tried to say something, Granny had admitted she liked to cook when stressed, and with her diner still in shambles, she was denied that outlet.

So they shuffled off to the living room to strategize, knowing the old wolf in the kitchen would hear everything they discussed and would contribute if necessary.

Emma sat on the couch, Hope in her lap. Killian sat next to her, while Jones took the recliner. There were still tattered remains of pizza boxes scattered across the floor, but Emma ignored them. She could clean when this was all over.

Besides, it was kind of fun seeing Killian - both of him - dismayed by the disorder. He was definitely the tidy one of the relationship.

“If things remain consistent, we have about an hour and a half until the next set of transformations,” Emma said. Hope spat out her pacifier. Killian automatically retrieved it. “We need to get word out, somehow…”

“Like a press conference?” Jones asked. “There’s not enough time to get one together.”

“And it wouldn’t reach everyone - the Storybrooke residents are the only ones who really have TVs or phones.” Emma bit her lip thoughtfully. “There must be a way to do it magically.”

“Regina has conference calls with other rulers via mirror,” Jones said. “I wonder if she can expand that to everybody.”

“Good idea.” Emma glanced around for her phone, then realized it was upstairs.

“I’ll get it, Love,” Killian said, and headed upstairs.

While they waited, Jones stood and started rooting around in the pile of demolished cardboard. Killian returned and exchanged the phone for Hope, who gurgled and pressed her face into his chest. He watched Jones, puzzled, until the man let out a pleased huff and pulled out the blue gem he’d taken from the Cave of Wonders. Looking pleased with himself, he set it on the coffee table.

Killian eyed it admiringly. “I have to admit, Mate, I do admire your dedication to piracy. I’ve always wanted to plunder the Cave of Wonders, but I didn’t even think of it yesterday.”

Emma looked up from the text she was writing to Regina. “Seriously, you two? We have more important things to worry about right now!” Emma finished typing, double-checked it to make sure it was clear, and sent the text. “You need to give that back to Jasmine.”

“Aye, and I will,” Jones said, making Killian’s face fall a little, “but I didn’t grab it because I wanted a bit of treasure.” Jones picked up the stone, holding it close to his face as though peering into its depths. “When we were in the cave, I kept seeing eyes in the stones. Aladdin said there weren’t any magical artifacts left in the cave, so I assume the magic came from elsewhere.”

“Someone was using the stones to scry us,” Killian realized.

“That was my thought,” Jones nodded. “There’s no magic in the stone now, but I thought perhaps there’s something that can be used to trace the magic back to the source”

Emma’s phone pinged - Regina was going to look in to finding a way to boost her power enough to reach every mirror in the United Realms. “I have no idea how to do that,” Emma sighed, setting her phone aside. 

“I’ll take it to Regina; she needs the amulet anyway,” Jones volunteered.

Emma nodded. “Okay, now we need to discuss -” A frantic knocking on the door interrupted her. “Now who…?”

Killian answered the door and ushered in a frantic Snow and David, trailed by a very confused and tired Neal, still in his pajamas. David was carrying a wrapped bundled that he held as far away from himself and Snow as possible.

“Mom? Dad? What’s going on?” Emma jumped to her feet.

David didn’t immediately answer; he hurried across the room, set the bundle on the table, then hastily backed away until he and Snow stood as far back as they could without leaving the living room. Granny appeared, armed with a butcher knife and spatula.

“This morning,” Snow said, eyes never leaving the bundle, “I woke up wanting to wear my jewelry. It was more important to me than brushing my teeth, or making breakfast. I got out of bed and immediately grabbed my jewelry box.”

David picked up the story. “She was babbling, going on and on about a necklace her father had given her and she needed to wear it today to honor him. So I went to see what she was talking about, and then all I could think about was how beautiful Snow would look in this necklace, and how she’d need my help putting it on…” David shook his head, as though he were still fighting the compulsion. He probably was. “It felt wrong, so I pulled Snow back. It helped us clear our heads enough to realize what was happening, so we brought the jewelry box straight here.”

“We were going to try for Regina’s,” Snow said apologetically, “but we weren’t sure if we’d be able to resist long enough to make to the drive.”

“You did the right thing,” Emma said, eyeing the wrapped box warily. She did not want it in the same house as her daughter. 

“Why don’t you help me with breakfast, Your Majesties?” Granny asked. “You don’t need to be in the room for this.”

“Take Hope,” Emma commanded. Killian handed the baby over to Snow, whose face lost its pinched look as soon as she made contact. 

“Don’t touch anything, Emma,” Granny said, as she ushered Snow, David, and Neal ahead of her. “For all we know, this could be a trap for you as well. Let the guys do it.”

Emma’s stomach lurched at the thought. Whoever was behind this seemed to be three moves ahead of everyone; it would be like them to anticipate Emma being there to help her parents and become transformed herself.

Killian and Jones waited until they were sure everyone was in the kitchen. Emma kept her distance, though she felt no compulsion to touch the box. Killian carefully unwrapped the box (silk, Emma noted absently, which had the ability to insulate magic, to a small extant. At least her parents had been thinking clearly.)

The jewelry box was innocuous; it was plain, but lovingly crafted of a dark polished wood with brass hinges and clasp. Killian slowly opened it with the tip of his hook, then he and Jones began to sort through the jewelry inside. It took less than a minute for Killian to find it and pull it slowly free, again using his hook. He laid it atop the silk and turned to Emma. “Feel anything?”

Emma shook her head and took a step forward. Killian and Jones immediately shifted to block her, but she was able to peer over their shoulders to see the necklace.

There was no mistaking it; like the others, the main piece was a golden disc roughly the size of a quarter, carved with intricate symbols almost too small to see with the naked eye. But unlike the other amulets, this one wasn’t scorched, and she could make out details not visible on the others, including the raised pictures in the middle of - “Is that a rabbit and a pig?”

“Looks like,” Killian agreed. “Wonder which one’s meant to be Dave?” He flashed a grin, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He carefully wrapped the necklace and handed it to Jones. “Looks like you’ll be taking this to Regina as well.”

“I should get going, then. The sooner this is away from your parents, the better.” Jones cast a wistful look towards the kitchen, and the delectable scents wafting towards them.

Granny peeked out. “I brought a bear claw for you,” she said. “It’s in the bag.”

Jones beamed, and Emma scowled. Was she ever going to get another bear claw? Jones gathered up everything, then grimaced. “My car’s still at the station.”

Emma nodded towards a bowl on a stand by the door. “Take our cruiser,” she said. As sheriff and deputy, she and Killian had taken to keeping a cruiser available at all times. They hadn’t needed it originally, the Bug being sufficient for their needs, but the United Realms came with more potential for trouble, and it had been more convenient to having a cruiser nearby.

“We’ll give you call after the spell activates, to make sure you remained human,” Killian said. Jones nodded in thanks, scooped up the keys, and headed out.

\------------

As soon as Jones was gone, Snow came out of the kitchen, looking as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

So distance broke the compulsion. That could be useful later.

“It’s gone, isn’t it?” Snow asked. “I could feel it, like an itch in my skull, then it was just…gone.”

David drifted out after her, Hope in his arms, followed by Neal, who had blueberry smeared on his cheek. Emma didn’t think they’d even had blueberries in the house.

Starting the day with Granny’s famous blueberry pancakes would at least fortify them for what was to come. Emma wondered if she could convince her to cook breakfast for them every day.

A loud jangling sound made all of them jump. Granny peeked out, followed by the tantalizing scent of pancakes on the griddle. “The hell is that?” she growled. Then Regina’s voice, coming from multiple points around the house, demanded, “Is it working?”

“She’s giving her statement,” Emma realized. They all followed her to the living room, where Emma kept a small, decorative mirror for magical communication (Regina had ‘suggested’ it, after a couple of awkward attempts to reach her by mirror had found her in the bathroom - or busy in bed).

They stood around the mirror as Regina, wearing her most regal dress and posed upon her throne, calmly and succinctly gave a summary of the events of the past couple of days, asking everyone to call the sheriff’s station if they knew of anyone missing, or if they experienced any strange compulsions. If they found any unfamiliar jewelry, they were to avoid touching it, and contact the station so it could be retrieved and brought to her. (“She means that Jones and I will be playing fetch all day,” Killian grumbled under his breath.) Lastly, Regina recommended everyone stay in their homes until the danger had passed.

“That’s gonna start a panic,” Granny grimaced. “I guarantee everyone is gonna flock to the stores and all the toilet paper in Storybrooke will be gone in an hour.”

Emma checked the time on her phone. “They’d better hurry; there’s only forty-four minutes until the spell trigg -”

Emma was hit by a wave of magic so strong she staggered. Killian cried out, clawed at his scarf a moment, then yanked his hand away when he realized what he was doing. “Bloody hell!” he gasped, eyes wide and wild. He was panting, as he’d just run a great distance.

“Was that the transformation spell?” Snow asked.

“You felt it, too?” Emma asked. They all nodded, even Neal. Only Hope looked unaffected, thankfully.

“Whoever it is, they may have triggered all the amulets in Storybrooke.” Emma glanced wistfully towards the kitchen. “Looks like we’re passing on the pancakes, Granny. This is gonna be a long day. Mom, can you stay here and watch Hope? I’d feel better if you were here, instead of on the farm alone.”

“Of course,” Snow nodded.

“I’m going to get ready -” Emma began. That’s when her phone went off. So did Killian’s and David’s. Emma glanced at the screen. The call had been transferred from the station.

It had begun.

———-

When the pulse of magic hit him, Jones nearly swerved off the road. The paper bag on the seat next to him fell over, spilling its contents across the seat.

Fortunately, he was on one of the long stretches of road that connected Storybrooke to the Enchanted Forest. The roads weren’t busy, since most of the residents of the forest still preferred carriages and the dirt tracks where they didn’t have to deal with the terrors modern transportation, so there was no one around to swerve into.

Jones stopped the car as the feeling of something tugging at his insides intensified, and it felt like claws were tearing at his skin from within. Then the feeling passed, and Jones collapsed back onto his seat, gasping.

His phone rang, and Jones snagged it from the seat. The blue gem next to it shifted.

“Jones,” he answered.

“You’re human? Good,” Killian said. He sounded as breathless as Jones. “We’re being flooded with calls. Emma, David and I are heading out.”

“I’ll join you as soon as I can. I’ll be at the castle in another fifteen minutes, then I’ll rush back.”

“Aye. We’ll definitely need you. Contact Ruby and she’ll tell you where you’re needed.”

Jones hung up and set his phone back beside the blue gem, which blinked at him. He was too distracted to notice.

Jones started up the car, and made it a mile before his radio crackled to life. “Jones! Are you still on the road to the castle?”

Jones grabbed the radio, which meant he had to trust his fake hand on the wheel for a moment. “Aye, lass, what’s up?”

Ruby’s voice sounded strange, tinny. “We just got a report that someone spotted lights in the swamp. Emma wants you to check it out.”

Jones frowned. “Can it wait until I make my drop-off to Regi -”

A deer darted across the road, too close for him to stop in time. He dropped the radio so he could use his real hand to jerk the wheel - he knew it was usually better to hit a deer than a tree, but what if this was a person?

The cruiser slammed into the line of trees. The airbag deployed, and Jones hit it, hard. The world went black.

The eye within the gem closed, then vanished.

\------------

Storybrooke had gone mad.

Not wanting to waste time, Emma had transported everyone to the station to find a very overwhelmed Ruby trying to answer all of the calls that weren’t being forwarded. She was trying to calm someone who Emma gathered from Ruby’s side of the conversation had locked themselves in a basement to hide from a…panda?

How dare this monster weaponize a panda?!

Ruby hung up, turning to Emma with wild eyes. “I’ve gotten a dozen calls already about new lycanthropes, an another dozen about fights breaking out over toilet paper, of all things! Emma, we need more help!”. The phone rang again, and Ruby answered.

Emma picked up the notepad where Ruby had hastily recorded every call. Emma skimmed the list (A turtle? Really?) “She’s right, even if we split up, there’s no way we can handle -” She was interrupted by a loud, accented voice demanding entrance, and turned to see Granny staring down four vikings.

“What’s going on?” Emma demanded. She really didn’t want to deal with these guys right now…

“Her Majesty, she of the the deadly aim, has asked that we assist you,” the lead viking - Emma thought his name was Gunnar - said. Emma hid a grimace. The vikings were a pain, but ever since her mother had bested them in darts, they’d sworn fealty to her.

And right now, Emma could use all the help she could get. “All right…but I’m in charge here. And there won’t be any killing.”

“Emma,” Killian said quietly. He had been speaking on the phone, and had only just finished his call. “That was Liam. There’s something in the marina. Something BIG. I think I should go after it; the fishing boats are all out on the water, and they’ve got nowhere to hide from whatever this is.”

Emma didn’t want to let him go; even with his faster lycanthropic healing, he was still the walking wounded. But they were stretched thin, and she couldn’t afford to keep him benched. “Be careful. And call if you need back-up.” She kissed him, and watched him limp away.

Then she turned to the vikings. “Do any of you know anything about pandas?”

——

Jones groaned as he regained consciousness. Bloody hell, he was going to feel that for awhile!

He blinked until his eyes finally focused, and what he saw made him groan. The cruiser had slammed into a tree, and smoke was poring from beneath the hood. He wasn’t driving anywhere, that was for sure…

He looked around for his phone, and found it beneath his feet. It had hit the dash on impact with the tree, and the screen was shattered.

No car, no phone…a quick check showed his radio was out, too.

Jones opened the door and practically fell out of the car. He leaned against the door until the world stopped swimming around him.

He really hoped he didn’t have a concussion.

He considered his next move. He was in the middle of nowhere, on a road that saw very little traffic. The closest building was Regina’s castle, which was still miles off.

Time to start walking…

Something flickered in his peripheral vision, and Jones turned.

Around him, the land was swampy, and eerily silent. No one lived out here, as far as he knew. But was that a light he saw, flickering in the distance?

Hadn’t Ruby said something about lights? And Emma had thought they were important enough to investigate…

He checked his gun, then slid it back in his holster. He then carefully picked his way through the sloppy terrain, grimacing as mud sloshed inside his shoes and splattered his pants.

It seemed to take forever, but he finally came upon a tiny hut. It was made of decaying logs, and the windows had been boarded shut. But an eerie blue light leaked through the cracks, and with it, a hollow, echoing voice that he recognized.

It couldn’t be… Jones crouched beneath a window and strained to hear. There was a second voice, too low to make out what was being said. Until that haunting voice rang out, “We know you’re there. Come inside where we can welcome you properly.”

Jones stood, gun in hand, and circled the hut until he found the door. It creaked open before he could touch it.

Inside, the blue light filled the room, casting wavering shadows that gave the illusion of being under water. The light emanated from a large crystal ball stop a crude wooden table. A woman’s head floated within, her gaze inscrutable.

“Madame Leota,” Jones said through gritted teeth. “How lovely to see you again.”

Another shape stepped from behind the table. It was short and plump, and hidden by a horribly familiar cloak. The woman pushed back her hood, revealing a round face with scraggly grey hair. “I thought all of Gothel’s coven was changed in Hyperion Heights.”

Madame Leota smiled. “Not all. I don’t believe you’ve met my companion.”

The other woman cackled. “I know who he is! The old man who pretends to be young.” She squinted at him, then grimaced. “You were much handsomer then.” Then she drew up to her full height, barely up to Jones’ chin. “But where are my manners? I am Madame Mim.”

————

The marina looked as if it had been hit by a hurricane. The docks had been reduced to splinters, and most of the smaller ships that hadn't gone out that morning were listing, or capsized completely.

A quick glance showed the moorings for the larger trawlers - and the Jolly Roger - which were located further away where the water was deeper, were untouched.

Killian breathed a sigh of relief to see his ship still intact.

He studied the path of destruction critically. Nothing to indicate what sort of creature had caused it, but the pattern of debris suggested it had been making its way to the water from the shore.

And it was bloody HUGE.

His original plan had been to take one of the docked trawlers to snag whatever it was, but now he could see it was far too big. His Roger might be large enough to handle it, bit wasn't equipped with any nets.

Much as he hated to admit it, he might need Emma or Regina for this one.

The pounding of footsteps tore his attention from the destruction, and he turned to see the unlikely pair of August and Pinocchio running towards him, trailed by a limping figure.

Unlike himself and Jones, August and Pinocchio's relationship was cold at best. The two were complete opposites, and were frequently disgusted by each other's behavior.

Only Geppetto's eagerness to accept Pinocchio as another son kept them from each other's throats.

But now, they wore matched looks of horror as they skidded to a stop in front of him, and both began to speak at once.

The limping figure caught up to them, a grim-faced Liam Jones. His normally immaculate uniform was torn and bloody, and a bandage was wrapped around his thigh.

"Slow down!" Killian said sharply. "I can't understand a bloody word you're saying!"

Pinocchio and August exchanged glances. "It's Father," Pinocchio said. "We were working in the shop this morning, and then he dropped his chisel and let out a blood-curdling scream. He grabbed at the necklace he was wearing, and then he ran out of the workshop, screaming the whole way."

"I heard him," August said, picking up the tale. "He was running so fast, faster than should have been possible. So we jumped on my motorcycle and followed him here. He was...he was growing, the whole time."

"He became huge and dark," Pinocchio continued, "and then he fell off the dock and into the water. And what came up was -"

"A whale!" the two said in unison.

How was Killian supposed to capture a whale?!

"And what happened to you?" he asked Liam

"His crew is going to kill Father!" August snarled.

Liam tried to straighten up, but winced when the movement pulled at a wound. "We were docked when we saw it begin attacking the harbor. I was injured when a part of the dock fell on me. Captain Nemo told me he was going after the creat - your father, and refused to allow me to come, due to my injuries. He didn't know it was a man," Liam said softly.

Killian wondered if they'd seen Regina's message. Probably not, if they were here. "Right. You go to the hospital, I'm going to find Nemo before he can hurt anyone." There was no time to waste; the Nautilus was fast, and it was equipped to battle krakens. They could easily kill a whale.

"I'm going with you." Liam stood in front of Killian, arms folded across his chest, a stubborn look Killian was all too familiar with on his face. He really was a Jones, Killian thought with a grimace.

"We're going, too," August and Pinocchio said, again in unison.

Wonderful. Killian groaned. He didn't think he'd be able to dissuade any of them. "Fine," he growled. He hoped he wasn't going to regret this.

\-------------

Jones raised his pistol, not sure what exactly he intended, but not liking the feeling of helplessness.

The gun squirmed in his hand, and Jones cried out and dropped it when it transformed into a snake.

Mim smirked.

"Is that your only trick?" Jones asked, backing away. "Turning things into animals?"

"I'd say it's a pretty good trick," Mim said. "How many people can transform an entire population?" Then she frowned. "Though something went wrong with you. You and Other You were supposed to kill the sheriff. The Savior would have made the perfect first sacrifice."

Sacrifice? Jones narrowed his eyes.

Mim glanced over to Leota, who was watching silently. Jones took the chance and took a step back. And then another.

"What shall we do with him?" Mim asked, sounding unconcerned. "He's useless to us. Too... docile."

"I wouldn't do anything," Jones said levelly. "As soon as everyone realizes I'm missing, they'll come straight here." He hoped. He might be overestimating his value to everyone. "I can be used as a bargaining chip -"

"No one knows you're here," Leota told him.

Jones' blood ran cold. "Ruby -"

"The wolf?" Leota interrupted. "She told you there were lights in the swamp." As she spoke, her voice altered, becoming Ruby's, but with a peculiar echoing quality.

They'd lured him here.

He'd had the means for Regina to track them, so they'd brought him here.

"We do still need a first sacrifice for it to begin," Leota said.

Mim smiled widely. "Looks like you'll have to do."

Jones tensed, ready to whirl around and make a break for the door.

Before Jones could react, Mim moved with shocking speed and plunged her hand into his chest. There was a wrenching, and then she was frowning at something in the palm of her hand, which thudded weakly.

Jones gasped and staggered back, hitting the wall of the hut. He slid down into a heap at Mim's feet.

"I do have one more trick," Mim said, and squeezed.

Jones screamed as there was an intense burst of agony, worse than when his poisoned heart had nearly killed him.

And then there was a pop, and everything went black.

\------------

Out on the water, Killian Jones felt his connection to his other self snap, and he screamed.

\------------


End file.
